Christmas Emotions

Well, we enjoyed our first Christmas together. It was wondeful to stay home, snuggle, watch movies, cook, play video games and have lots of intimate time together. It was so nice to just be together : )

The holidays came screaching to a halt the Tuesday before, when my Father had heart attack. All is well now, he was released Christmas day and he and my mom were able to go home and enjoy life together after the close call. It was a blessing to us all!


My loving boyfriend bought be a beautiful black onyx bead set (necklace, bracelet and earrings)...they are lovely! I was so excited to wear them everyday, like a day collar and that added assurance of the weight around my neck made me feel amazing : ) Now today, after wearing them for 3 days straight....and having broke an earring in my sleep last night...I realize, for one, beads are not meant to be worn everyday..they are only held together by a small string or cord and he never said collar, he didn't intend that....I filled in the blank myself to get what I want. I only have myself to blame for disappointment.

Now having said that, our time together this weekend was more than amazing on all levels. We discussed our future in ways that I know he loves me and isn't leaving and we are doing this together, so why do I feel this need for more? I hope it isn't a selfishness in me! He makes me happier than I have been, why is that not enough I wonder...it isn't like an object gives me any more guarantee of our future together than his word....I love him and I need to get past this.

C.

That Helpless Feeling....

I turned 31 last friday, and had a wonderful birthday thanks to my magnificent boyfriend!

As the Holiday approaches, my life has haulted. My Dad (step-dad) had a heart attack tonight. My Mom called me in her broken up, yet refusing to cry on the phone voice to tell me. I am worried about him, I am worried about my mom. I feel helpless, she doesn't want me to travel at night, on bad roads while pregnant and I understand. And I am not going to travel at the moment because she doesn't need anything else to worry about. But I want to be there to hold her hand, to cover her up when she finally falls asleep, to take care of her because I love her so much. I pray that everything turns out ok and that Larry can recover fully. I pray that my mom can make it thru this, though I know she is tough. I pray that our family becomes closer after this and we say "I love you" more!

It also sends me into turmoil about my family and how much I love Chris. I want him in my life forever, and this reminded me at how quickly our lives can change. A baby is coming soon and that will be a great change. But life isn't all roses and candy. I worry about never truly being his. I work very hard to see him happy and I hope he is happy with me...especially after the baby comes.

Please Lord, look after my family as a whole, keep them healthy, happy and safe. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

C.

Birthday....

Today I turn 31 years old. A year ago today I reunited with J and he convinced me to move to Brookings...and shortly after the new year we started this blog. It is amazing what a year can do, the changes have been miraculous!!! I feel so blessed for the good times and successful for making it through the hard times.

I am having my birthday issues:

I feel like I am coming down with a sinus infection..go figure!

I asked Chris if he was going to come out with me tonight, just to get out...and I got an "I don't know"...I only have one birthday a year and I can't figure out why he wouldn't go out with me.

I don't know if I have any friends to go out with tonight.

I have a co-worker who's birthday is also today, and everyone at work is talking about going out tonight, but no one has invited me or included my birthday in anyway. I guess I just am not fun to them, being pregnant and all. But I am so social, I wish I just had the chance.

Regardless of how this one day goes down, I am sure all will be well.

C.

A place of our own, a place to call home.

As of Dec. 1, we moved into our own apartment together. Granted he did most of the moving and was very protective about me doing too much while pregnant : ) We have started to put things away, buy what we need and I look forward to hanging pictures on the walls and setting up the baby's room. We are easing into our "playing house" life. He takes care of bills, I just give him my money. I try to cook and keep things clean, though he helps. Our sex life is really good, life in general is good.

I am more tired all the time and feel like we hardly see eachother, but we make the most of what we get. He is almost done with classes for this semester and then one semester is left before graduation. I worry about what could happen after graduation, him getting a job out of town and not being around is frightening!!!

Christmas is just around the corner and I long more than ever for an engagement ring or some tangible symbol of his commitment...how dumb is that...we live together, he is wonderful and tells me he loves me everyday and I want more...that just sounds selfish. I get a little tingle of jealousy when I realize our daughter will have his name before I will. Sometimes I think maybe she is the only reason he is around, which is great in it's own right, but makes her more important to me right out the gate. She is worth it, but I am not. I know it is just crazy thoughts. I long for him to understand all my dynamics...my need for submission to him, my need for his love and approval, his support in my indepenence and strength...but I want to be his wife, his forever! And I just want the ring now...I can wait for the wedding : )

I think I get more frustrated when i know he bought an ex jewelry from Zales...and I know I am his longest most committed relationship...so what did she do to diserve that show of desire that I haven't...or was it just a manly ploy to try to get more from her...well she was also the one he cheated on...so I guess I will go without the jewelry if it means no cheating....ugh!

I am sure it will all be fine...I am just frustrated and wanting.

C.W.

Romance.....Sex.....hmmmm?!

Red the color of passion and anger.....amazing how they are so similar and yet so different. I love my relationship....it has gotten better than I could imagine...we talk, we do things, he is excited about the baby. We laugh together, alot! He tells me he loves me "so damn much", he brings up marriage and our future....I love it!

All, but one lil thing....our sex life has gong to shit! I mean, I still want to be as active as always, he turns me on and I don't hide it. He says all the right things, but doesn't act. I feel our sex life has gone the way of BDSM....and as the sub, I give it to him when he wants it, but I look to only his pleasure and no one is looking for mine. Especially now with my body and hormones all different, it is more difficult to reach orgasm. I want to and I try, but I need someone who wants to do it with me. I make sure that he has at least one orgasm a day on average. I might get 1 a week if I am lucky and even then, it is usually by myself. I am starting to get so depressed that my sexual needs aren't being met and yet I don't know what to say. I don't want to ruin every other great aspect of our relationship over sex....it isn't that important is it? I used to say yes, but not if it means losing what I already have. How do I find contentment, I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me....I don't know why he decided that foreplay was unnecessary or that we would only do it when he wanted to......UGH!

Someone help me!

C.W.

Sometimes you zig, sometimes you zag.....

Sometimes you ying, sometimes you yang......

Opposites attract....yes, but there needs to be enough similars to keep it balanced. Chris and I are very opposite. He is a cancer, I am sagittarius. I am social, he likes to stay home. I am emotional, he is pretty laid back and blahzay most of the time. I talk and get it out, he holds things in. I get frustrated sometimes because I can't read him and my emotional side wants him to be romantic, helpful, dedicated and a little emotional. I want to hear, " I love you". "I need you". " I am so happy with you." He may be happy, but it comes off content and complacent, more he could take it or leave it....not the " I don't want to be without you" that I feel for him.

I am sure I am just getting comfortable and starting to rely on him.....dare I say co-dependant tendancies are hitting. I mean, I am relaxed with him and happy. But I want to do more together. I love taking walks together....hey we have that in common. We both like the outdoors, camping, hiking, cooking. I read while he plays video games....I guess I need to get a few new books to read...maybe that would cure my boredom......

Boredom, I am getting bored and feeling couped up. I am pregnant, i don't go out and do things like I used to and I am realizing that it is going to be that way for awhile. I know I want a ring....even though he says "no relationship has a guarantee" I mean, I have been divorced twice, I agree.....but if you are only half committed or less it is much easier to walk away when shit gets tough.

He isn't excited about the baby and is stressed about everything...money, school, a job in the spring, a new apt. I mean I am stressed too, but I figure if we communicate and do it together it has to work to our advantage...and yet I feel like I am doing it alone.

Here is to love and learning about love. Love is a choice and I choose to love him even when I am frustrated :)

C.W.

Little Frustrations

Well we have lived together for a few weeks now. Nothing has really changed and yet everything has changed. He goes to class, I go to work. We share cleaning and cooking. We snuggle and watch a movie almost every night. He still plays video games and I try to sleep. HOWEVER.....we hardly go out anymore, he doesn't do romantic things like he used to, he seems less in the mood (now that my libido is back) and I am more bored by the video games. Now I try not to complain, but inside I am frustrated. He has the right to play his games, he keeps his school work done and he does make time for me. I think I am more bored because I get headaches really easy now, so I haven't been reading like I used to.

I really enjoy our walks togehter, as that is when he seems to communicate with me the most and it is healthy for us :) I am still often frustrated by his lack of outward show of commitement, and I guess I see his point. He is with me and I live with him = he is commited. Though to me I still question if it is more obligation to him?? I hope not, but I am sure it is part of it. I just wish I had something...a day collar, a ring, anything. He talks about our future together and then when I say I don't ever want him to leave, I get "I'll do my best".....I just don't know exactly what that means.

Oh well, I try to make the most of each day, whether I am bored or not. This is my last pregnancy and even the hard times I try to enjoy. I have a Dr. appt this week and will be happy to put my mind at ease a bit after hearing the heart beat again, and then in the next week or so I should have some serious movement going on and that will help me to feel better.

I worry about work and finding an apartment. Please Lord, provide what we need.

C.W.

New living arrangement

As of yesterday, we live together. I moved most of my stuff into storage. J. Wilde...my ex-roommate and co-founder of this blog is taking a different journey as well. He stayed in our apartment and his current boyfriend is moving in. It is a big deal. The first time he has lived with a significant other. They are both attending college and though his boy is 5 years younger than him, they think they are going to play house and make it work. I can attest to the fact that they fight like and old married couple, so I wish them the best. And they have now taken on the parenting of a kitten, named River and a beta fish.

I also took another direction. After my last year or so of hell and chaos. My ideas that I would live alone.....well now that I am pregnant, things have changed. I now officially live with Chris. We moved the rest of my stuff in yesterday. Nothing has really changed from when I was staying here. We share cooking and cleaning responsibilities. He is very attentive to my needs. I sleep alot, so he still gets time to play video games, which he enjoys. I enjoy going on walks together in the evenings and just cuddling on the couch while we watch a movie.

The plan is for us to live in his place....We live in the basement of a house and have our own living room, bathroom, kitchen, dining area and bedroom and then 3 college boys live upstairs with the same. We plan to be here until the new semester and then move to a place that is completely our own before the baby comes. I started a savings account, beings I am no longer paying rent, I hope to put money away for spring. I have only car insurance, phone, storage rent and food to pay for now. I also need to take care of a few outstanding bills so that I am caught up.

I am most fearful that my work situation will be coming to an end soon and I worry that it will tkae me time to find work again. I can't afford it as I have things to pay and I want to get money put away. I also worry about how long I will be able to work during this pregnancy. I wanted to go back to school, but I think I am behind in my student loans right now and I just don't know if I have the time.

I am excited to go see my kids next weekend and see how things work for Chris and I. I am used to it being chaotic before or after a visit with the kids, that is how Compton made it. There was always a fight before I left or when I got back, and shit would hit the fan while I was away. That was when he would cheat on me. I know Chris isn't like that , and these trips are good, not just to see the boys, but also for me to build trust in Chris and our relationship.

I have been weepy this morning. I think I am nervous about having lunch with Chris' mom today. He told her I was prego. I saw her twice, knowing I was and not saying anything and it makes me feel guilty of lying. Also, he told her not to tell anyone as I could miscarry before 20 weeks. We are at week 14 now.....and I am showing, not alot, but it is noticable. I popped out hard. I can't keep it covered and it makes me nervous around his family and friends that don't know. I don't want to be an embarrassment to him. I worry about him being questioned, so I try to walk behind him in public and not make eye contact with people. I don't know if he is really excited at all about this, I know he cares about me, but I think this pregnancy is more than he wanted. I still am unsure if he is hoping for a miscarriage or what he thinks about.

Oh well, I have to suck it up and go to lunch with is mom, I am sure it will be fine as long as I don't start crying over something.

Wish me luck
C. W.

Feeling Undesirable

I have been here before. This is my 3rd pregnancy. I know I get hormonal and I have dealth with post partum depression in the past. I don't ever think I felt the ways I feel now though. I was married and felt stable and though I may have been stress(I know I was stressed) I didn't feel so uncertain.

I know I am nervous about my commitment to Chris, I have stated that before. I feel committed and I feel he could walk at anytime. It makes me crazy thinking about it. I want to give in and do it together, but a voice in my head tells me not to be to sure. I set up plans with him and then try to have back up plans in my head just incase and it sucks!

Nothing fits right and I don't have money to buy new clothes, nor do I really want to right now. I am looking for a new job and I feel unhirable, even though I am a great employee and have many wonderful skills. I just feel the stereotype when people look at me, I know I am paranoid about it, but I feel it. People see my belly and no ring on my finger....the typical, welfare mom. I go to a job interview, they see my resume and then my tummy....they don't want to hire someone who is going to go on maternity leave in 6 months. I am a big girl and I know people look at my tummy and just think I am fat. These thoughts crush me.

Also, my cute panties don't fit. I get headaches and feel nauseous more than I would like. I am tired. I feel like I am not doing my "wifely" duties in the bedroom, even though I am not his wife. I want to keep him happy, because I constantly worry about not being enough and having another person I love walk away. Also, my usually high as a kite libido is on the low slope. It takes awhile to kick in. I mean I have the desire, but it takes a long time for my body to catch up with my mind. My parts aren't working like normal and it is frustrating. I need alot more warm up time, to relax and get into it and then I need lots more emotional connection as well. I feel like my needs are a burden. Maybe he doesn't want to initiate anything because he realizes he could get himself of in 1/16 of the time it is going to take to get me involved. I feel so undesirable.

I love when he rubs my back, or my hair. But overall, I just feel like a burden in everyway....financially, emotionally, personally. I don't know what to do to change the way I feel or what I need to get out of this slump. I just keep keepin on to the best of my ability. I cry when it gets to be too much and keep going.

C.W.

A month of reflection....

I realize that I sort of went off the radar for the month of August. I had a lot of emotions, weepy, crazy hormonal stuff. Morning sickness was a BITCH...to say the least. I started sleeping better and now it is worse again. Chris has moved home again, and started his last year of college this week. We decided I would move my stuff into storage and a few things in to his place for this first semester and then we would look for a place of our own for spring semester before the baby comes. He has attended all my Dr. appts with me and we heard the heart beat last week....160bpm....healthy....and I am still hoping for a girl.

Josh spoke to the boys, Rand and Rune about me being pregnant. They are excited and I can't wait to see them next weekend :) Rand started first grade this week and Rune is so excited for kindergarten next year!

I have been so nervous lately. Nervous about moving in with Chris, I don't want to be left again and that is my biggest fear. I want a diamond ring and a commitment, even if it ends up being the longest engagement in history....I just want a little piece of solidarity. But then again....it is just an item and it can always be taken back, someone can leave at anytime, that is life. I try to enjoy what I have everyday!

For the most part our relationship is simple. I do me, he does him. We just do what needs to be done. I do dishes, he does dishes, we both cook, we both clean. I don't bitch about his video games, he doesn't bitch about my reading or filling all my weekends with outings. I do love him, I get frustrated sometimes and I talk about it and he listens.

I have noticed that he and my kids think I am angry a lot more than I feel I am. I need to learn to change my tone and expressions. I don't want to be seen as the angry woman, wife, mother, etc.

I feel fat. I mean I have only gained 2 lbs. in the first trimester. I am on week 14. My belly is big, my pants don't fit, but my tummy isn't rounded out yet, so I just feel unattractive and fat....blah.

Ok, enough of my bitching around. That was just a quick account of some of Aug. Oh and our parents know now, his mom is excited :)

C.W.

Age....a feeling, a number, a state of being

Lately my mind has been on age, my age, how old I feel. Growing up I always ran with the older crowd, I was more adult that child. I have always gotten along with those older than me, but suddenly I feel I shift. I am finding more friends younger than me. I don't feel 30. I mean, if I add up all I have done in my life, I know I am 30. I am not as wild as my teens and twenties, but I am not in the settle down at home phase either. I want to travel, socialize, have adventures and yet I want a home, my family, stability. Is there a balance when I feel like a big kid trying to live an adult life sometimes. I know I can handle life, I can be responsible, but it is so wonderful to curl up in my man's arms and feel safe, feel like I don't have to worry even for a little bit.

But now with this unexpected pregnancy, I do worry. About being alone again, about being a single parent, about being responsible enough for a child, being a good parent, still getting things I want in life....career, home, etc.

It is like I woke up one morning and realized my reality was nothing I had thought or dreamed. I never thought I would be a 30 year old woman, post 2 divorces, with 2 children and one on the way, in a dating relationship with no committment for sure from his side. Where did I get off track? I went to Europe, I got married, I had kids.....I didn't go to grad school as I wanted and without the support of my then husband a lot changed for me. I started working even harder to be someone I wasn't, to make others happy. That was a big step off track, I shouldn't have settled so easy.....life has so many lessons, I know I have to keep learning or else I die.

I just don't feel old and yet I don't feel young. I feel confused.

C.W.

Crying over Coffee

Dear Coffee,

You have been with me so many times, helping me to open my eyes some mornings, or just helping me to relax others. I appreciate all your flavours and smells. A day just doesn't seem complete without you. I enjoy you in all your fashions, black, with cream, cream and sugar, latte, breve.....oh you just make my day.

I hate to inform you that now that I am pregnant and morning sickness has set in that I can no longer find enjoyment in your delights. I have to cut down on my caffiene intake, but it isn't just that. The smell of your grounds upsets my stomache and I find your flavor too rich for my palette. I am hoping that this small break in our relationship ship can end in 7 more weeks and I can slowly begin to mend our relationship.

Until then be well my dear friend, this isn't you, it is me and I am sorry!

C.W.

Weepy Emotions and Morning Sickness

If I thought the breast tenderness and bloating were bad, oh no...I forgot how bad morning/afternoon/night sickness was. I can't hardly sleep at night, because I can't get comfortable. I have to get up at least once to pee and then I struggle to sleep again. BLAH!

Chris has been very helpful and attentive! He kisses my tummy and makes me flutter. Our sex life is amazing, who knew it could get better?! I mean he is such a generous lover and so attentive to my needs :) I can't believe it. Too good to be true?? Time will tell. I don't want him to know how awful I feel, so I try not to complain too much, I go to bed early and let him play games. I try to do everything like normal. I know I shouldn't hide it, as I would rather know if he can handle it....love me for me, no matter what and see if he is in for the long haul....if I sugar coat it, I may never know the truth. And I want him with me for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I am still preparing myself to do this alone, I appreciate him so much, I am not pushing him away, just not depending on him just in case.

Dr. appt today and he is attending with me. I am not sure how either of us will feel when we actually hear a heart beat.....I am so weepy already today....goodness sakes, womanhood is just silly sometimes!

C.W.

Bird is the word......Stork

The Dr. called today with the results from my ultrasound last week. They now believe I am 5 weeks and 6 days along today. I am having another ultrasound this Thursday to double check my uterus for past issues and hopefully get a heartbeat on the embryo/fetus. That puts my approximate due date out to March 6, 2011. Now I have a lot of time left....I just went from having the first trimester almost over to realizing I could still find myself in the morning sickness part starting anytime now...ugh! I feel a little better as I now know I can officially say I was divorced and with Chris exclusively at the time of conception. I can also say I concieved thru a great passion and love that we have for eachother and hasn't dwindled even after the news. He is being as active as he can and may come to my next ultrasound appt. with me. I also can feel better about knowing I only drank half as much as if I had been 10 weeks along:) And I know that my cycle is officially screwed up for me to get pregnant the end of may/beginning of june, when on my calendar I should have been having my period....not ovulating!

Well, one more day to let it sink in. Being earlier also gives me more time to wait in area for a possible miscarriage. What happens, happens I guess.

C.W.

Caught in a Landslide...

Yah know, I thought for the most part that my life and drama were settling down. OH NO!!! It was confirmed today that I am pregnant. They thought I was 10 weeks along in reference to my last period, but since I had a negative test in June they aren't sure. They couldn't hear a heart beat yet, so I have an ultrasound tomorrow to figure out how far along I am and when I am due. For now, my due date is January 30, 2011, but it will more than likely be in February instead.

The more I think about it, regardless of how I feel about the situation and myself right now, I think I will keep it if I don't miscarry. And I am hoping for a girl a little bit.

Utterly Shocked,

C.W.

Dr. Appt. Tomorrow

Well, I see a OB/GYN tomorrow. I will know more about how far along I really am. Abortions aren't done after 12 weeks unless for medical purpose. I don't think that is what I want, but I feel that is what the father wants. I am not sure if I am pushing him away or if he is distancing himself from me right now. I know we are both stressed. He still says he loves me and isn't going to give up on our relationship because of this, but that there are no guarantees for the future. I am aware of that. I think no matter what, this will change our relationship forever. If I don't feel supported, I won't be able to respect him as a man. I mean, I do respect him....he has been more than amazing at this point. We talk out every situation like adults for the most part. He is sweet and tender with me, and rough when it is called for *wink*

I know he is concerned with my health and what will happen to me, baby, miscarriage...anything. I don't want to have an abortion, but if that is how it goes the emotional repercussions could kills me and our relationship. As could a screaming child. There is no guarantee. Luckily I have great friends who will be there for me no matter what. NO matter what I choose or don't choose they will hold me. IF he decides he doesn't want me, they will still be there.

Prayers are needed.

C. W.

When life gives you lemons, pray you have tequila

Well, Happy July 4th. I found out on July 2nd that I was pregnant. I am recently officially divorced. Only been single for a year, a month officially. I have been seeing my boyfriend for only 3 1/2 months. He is 25 and finishing his last year of college. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage I don't see as often as I would like. I don't have a stable home or job and look what I get. I mean, yes I should have been more careful. Yes, I should have made different choices. I fall in love and give it up too easy. I mean, he is amazing. He is freaking out, as he should be. I think he is trying to not think about it in hopes it will go away. I could miscarry, but I don't think abortion is for me. We aren't telling our parents yet, or at least he isn't. I don't want to do this alone so I am telling family and friends, I need support. I don't think he will propose and make an honest woman of me, but I don't think he will leave me high and dry. I am not asking anything of him. I mean what can I ask. I just don't want to do it alone, I don't want his money or anything. I just want to be loved.

OH....and I haven't been healthy this summer, drinking beer, not eating wise. No vitamins. And I am about 10 weeks along. I will know more after my Dr. appt thursday. I have to fill out all kinds of social services paperwork and such. Men really do have it easy, married or not.

Oh well, cheers!

C. Wilde

***Time to take the Wilde out of my life before it gets me in anymore trouble.

Thoughts of weddings

It is the time of year where wedding bells are ringing every weekend. In fact I have 2 weddings to attend this summer. In helping friends and doing girly wedding stuff with them, I realize that though I have been married twice, I never had the wedding I wanted.



Wedding 1: I liked my dress, the cake flavor, and the bridesmaid dresses. It was at a Methodist church, 250+ guests, I couldn't afford real flowers, I did most of the work myself, there was a waterfall of red liquid under my cake....bleeding isn't supposed to happen at weddings right? Our colors were red, black, silver. I had fake red roses and stephanotis. I had cake with raspberry filling. It was a good day, but not exactly what I wanted



Wedding 2: 15 minutes in a court house. I didn't get a new dress. I did have a pink rose and a stargazer lily.



What I want:
I want a outdoor wedding. On a glacier or by a lake in a national park. I want something small and intimate. I want fresh flowers, a long gauzey dress, a small cake and just a romantic day.
No bells or whistles, just love and laughter.

My Submission

No matter my Dominant tendencies and how happy they make me or how much a part of me they are; I have the heart of a fighter when needed, I can be in control.........but I long for the comfort of being all that and submitting to another. My heart longs to be lead a bit. I want to be the best I can be for myself and others. I feel a sense of pride when I accomplish something that makes someone else happy...obviously not everything, but for the most part I really am a people pleaser. I want to please others without being taken advantage of.

I long to feel my ass cheeks all warm and tingly after a good spanking. I don't mind having my hair pulled a bit. I don't mind someone putting their hand around my neck or even slapping my face a little, if it is to get the point across that I am their's and done in a non-abusive, unangry manner. I enjoy giving into the sensations of my body and mind. I enjoy trusting someone enough to know they won't hurt me. I enjoy snuggles and kisses for a job well done, I love being praised.

It is nice to have a relationship that is mostly vanilla with a drizzle of kink most of the time and yet allows us the option to up the ante when and how we want. Last night we tried lots of new things....like the reverse cowgirl position. I enjoy being able to honestly trust someone to try new things. I hope our experiences grow and grow.

C. Wilde
aka Precious Puddles

The Double Edged Sword of being a Switch...

I had a great weekend overall. I went skinny dipping for the 3rd time with friends on Friday night. The moon was full, there was lightning to the south of the lake and the fog moved in over the water. I felt like a siren and free. I love feeling free.

Saturday I went to a Lifestyle munch in Watertown. I love getting together with my friends and laughing. We BBQ'd. I ended up skinny dipping in the middle of the afternoon :) Ren tied up a few subs in harnesses and we had our version of sub olympics...fetch, tug o war....it was fun! We had a great turn out and when we settled inside for the evening, there were many scenes that took place.

I had been sexually charged all week in the aftermath of last weekend. I was in sub mode and in anticipation of my Man arriving. I was given the instructions that I could be Dom but only play with friends he knows, however our goofing off is fair game. I chose not to but on my Dom panties because I didn't want to be in that mind set when he arrived. When he arrived he was tired and not as receptive as usual. :( The a Dom friend told him I had been smoking, so I was publicly punished just a bit. I have never been punished before, maybe a little bit in private, but never in front of people. I was almost crushed.

When he had arrived, I was vibrating with sexual energy. His every touch made me light headed. I couldn't wait to scene, because sub space would have been eminant. I was thrown by the punishment, but the worst was when he decided there were just to many people for him to feel comfortable scening. I know he is new and a bit nervous and I can't blame him. My sub side was now vibrating with hurt, anger, sexuality.....I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I didn't want to be the only sub who didn't get played with. I didn't want to be a disappointment either, or make us look bad. It sucks having been Dom and knowing that everything my sub side wanted and needed to do, was technically inappropriate for someone of experience. I wanted to cry, throw a temper tantrum, pout. But instread, I smiled, I made sure we left in grace, we left in the highest spirits I could muster so no one would wonder.

I was so jealous of the new subs, watching them be flogged, wanting my first scene. I have never been so sad about something submissively. I felt unworthy, like I had done something wrong, like I had earned it and it hurt so bad. I never thought I would think that way, but the worst was being able to see it from a Dom point of view and knowing that I would hate myself more if I reacted in the ways that my feelings were telling me. I am glad I did what I did as when we talked the next day, we were both able to say our piece and feel good about our relationship and what we want.

Sunday we spent at the lake, listening to the waves crash on the rocks. I read and we talked alot. It was so romantic and we watched the sun set before leaving. He does take care of me and he does meet my needs, this one will just take a little more time, but he will do it because he hasn't lied to me yet :)

C. Wilde

Acceptence and my submission

I am really good at acting like I don't care, to not showing too many emotions to those I don't want to see. I hide behind my boisterous, extroverted attitude. I use humor, sarcasm and maybe angst to keep people where I need them, which is far away from my real emotions. Sometimes I feel like a soldier, when I have to take care of shit, my Dom side comes out and my emotions fade into the back. I know this is a self-preservation tecnnique with years of practice and I guess sometimes I still feel like I need it.

However, that is not always the person I am, usually just the person I feel I need to be. I am a very emotional, caring person. I hate confrontation and only do it when it is necessary. I don't like being in charge all the time.

My submissive side looks for acceptance. When I show someone who I really am, when I show them all my emotions, all my thoughts, and really open up....I AM VULNERABLE! I need to feel accepted, I need to feel cared about and enjoyed for who I am. I always try my best and I need someone to see that in me. I put myself out there, I will go 90%, but I need to know someone is at least going to come 10% and let me know they appreciate me : )

I get so emotional when I am submissive. I have so much locked inside me and when I feel accepted I just want to open the flood gates and let it all out. Someday I hope I can really do that and have someone there to hold me and listen and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know I would walk away stronger, I just have to have that one person who isn't going to make me regret it. I don't ever want to not trust myself and my judgement again. I don't want to feel like I am not good enough for someone. I don't ever want to feel less than someone, I want someone who really sees my submission and trust as a gift. ( And a Man just like that is in my life now.) He doesn't always understand but he listens and reacts in loving ways!

All anyone ever wants, even non-conformists like me, is to be accepted for who we are.

C. Wilde

Words of Love.....ahhhhh!

These are a few comments from the Man/Dom:

You are so beautiful in the morning sun!

You make me so happy!

You make me want to be better!

....and I am sure so many more, as he tells me I am beautiful all the time :)

Texts:

Yeah I do. I love u romantically and friendly

I really do love u baby

I miss u constantly

Oh I do. And how i love thee, let me count the ways

I love u my beautiful baby girl

I do love when you call me that. (SIR) Ur cute. Like a horny little carebear.

Sorry. U are my baby and I don't want u to go anywhere my love

U really are the best thing to happen to me in years

Hey baby. So I guess ur off the grid and i miss u. I realized how much i need u today. I got depressed from not being able to talk to u. I felt empty. Anyway i love u. night baby.

I mean it. U make me happier and more complete than ever before

U are my precious baby girl who i love with all my heart

Like when u touch me it makes my heart flutter and happy

Hey baby have a great day at work. U are beautiful and the love of my life. I love my precious baby girl

I just love u and wanted u to know again

Yay i have missed you all day my love

I wouldn't have it any other way. U can always come to me my precious baby girl

Goodnight my precious baby girl. My love of my life

Well u are mine and only mine. And I love u so u are obviously my love

U are so sweet my little baby girl. U truely make me happy my love

I know you are my love. Thats why i like to bite so much (he said I was sweet and I agreed)

Good. I love u baby. I will say your submission is an added bonus.

Its fine my love. u are always in my heart.

U are my precious love


Oh, he makes me smile and feel so good!

C.Wilde

Nightmares of Main Street

Not many people know that I suffer from tremendous night terrors. I have can still remember dreams from my childhood years that haunt me. I journal them usually and try to work it out. Normally they aren't too bad and I go right back to sleep, or just snuggle closer to someone or my teddy bear, Cashew. The last really bad one I had was last fall while living in Milbank, but after that one it has been pretty minute.

Last night I had a bad one, as usual, I know I am dreaming and I am just trying to wake myself up before it gets too scary. I try so hard to wake up all the time! Anyway here is an account of last nights dream:

I awoke held down to my bed by an unseen force. Words appeared on the wall over my closet--I Know Who You Are. I prayed in my dream to be released. The words started to run down the walls like blood. When the energy holding me down let go, I ran to my roommates room to wake him. I was out of breathe and couldn't explain what was going on. I was crying and he laughed at me. I saw someone walk into my room from the corner of my eye and I yelled and went after them. I ran toward the door, but found myself in a dark fetish club. Slave boys were serving drinks in leather harnesses and a mean looking Mistress dressed in rubber was behind the bar. I was dizzy. I couldn't get my barings. Then I saw my friend Kye coming toward me. She had a drink in one hand. She ran into a table and spilt her drink. She was cursing when I saw the Mistress come from behind the bar in a flash, struggling with Kye to get the glass from her. I stepped in to help Kye, she was crying and yelling. The Mistress glared at me. My hand brushed across her black rubber skirt and suddenly I became elated with eroticism. I smiled. I was happy and forgot everything going on around me.

The next thing I knew, Kye and I were sitting on a rocky hill with others, drinking. The steep hill looked over a dark gravel road. We slid down the hill side trying to get away from something. We were walking along the gravel road, when a blond man and a darker man came from the shadows. Suddenly Kye was gone and I was alone. I yelled and struggled and tried to run. My purse was ripped from my arm. The blonde man was burning me hand with his cigarette to get me to tell him something. He made references to the words on my wall and that I would suffer. The dark man held me down and was choking me. I struggled and passed out, knowing the entire time I was dreaming. I searched to find my way to the waking world--Finally I work up 45minutes after I had layed down. I was choking and couldn't catch my breath and began to cry as soon as I could.


---I really woke up scared. I texted my friend Kye to see if she was okay. I texted my Dom to get some sort of peace because I coudn't stop crying and I didn't want to go to sleep again.

I did eventually fall asleep and all is fine. I just needed to share, I don't know what it all means.

C.Wilde

EPIC AMAZINGNESS COVERED IN AWESOME SAUCE

Well if the title of this post doesn't say it all......let me add one more clue....PUDDLES!

This last weekend was our 1st Annual, Kamping with Kye, get together. I was so excited to see my hunny, my Dom :) We had a quiet night in on Friday. He is so attentive and affectionate, I melt near him. However, the heat really started to rise on Saturday. He woke me in the morning with a good romp. We got our things together for our first overnight trip. We talked on the way. Nothing felt forced and it was great. We went set up camp and went swimming until others started to arrive. In all there were 7 of us. Myself and him, Kye of course, Wren and his girls S & R and Malignus. We cooked and had a few social drinks. As the sun went down our kink level went up!!!

I gave into my sub side and allowed myself to be handled in the way my Dom felt appropriate and he made sure that I was taken care of in everyway. I was played with, spanked, knifed, and in general treated like I was His. He allowed me to be Dom over others and even told me that watching me work on someone else turned him on. **BIG SMILES**

We had sex in our tent before bed and he made me puddle so hard!! We walked away from the experience with better communication and a larger emotional connection. And Sunday when we got home, we made love non-stop as the weekend had us so worked up. We couldn't get enough of eachother and I have never felt that way!

He continues to send me the sweetest, most romantic texts and has even agreed to see me this weekend, even though he has to work. He does so many little things that make me happy, most of all is showing me how much he cares, no matter who is around.

**starry eyed and head over heels**

C. Wilde

Anticipation

I am counting the minutes until I am in his arms again. Amazing how feelings can change when you open your heart. I have spent more time trying to push him away for fear of rushing and now I am excited to see him. He is so sweet via text eachday.

He is the Dom in our relationship most of the time. He allows me my space to be Dom when I need it and he doesn't cower from my temper. When I submit, I feel safe. I feel cared for in general. He made a confession that we don't scene as often as I might like, because when he gets around me sometimes his uber Dom tendencies fall away and he just wants to be near me. I understand that from my years of Dom experience. I think when he comes into his own, he will be an even more amazing Dom.

I am so excited!


C. Wilde

Trust

I was asked very politely last evening "to just trust me to take care of you." He calls me "his love", "his baby" and so many other sweet things. He is the first person I haven't hid anything from, I figure at this point in my life, I am who I am and I would rather be rejected early on, than hide something and be hurt later. He has taken it all in stride and mostly with a cool calm smile. Obvioiusly, I have trusted him with more that most people get out of me and he is still around. He doesn't ask me to change but makes me want to be better. I don't ask him to change and yet he makes delightful changes that make me smile. He knows I am a bit crazy and emotional and he says "I love you and I know that I can't just pick and choose the pieces of you I want." ---is he for real??? I am worried I am going to wake up from this nice dream. He is sweet, He can be romantic, He is smart, He is hilarious and He likes me for me.

But trust, to just let go of my past hurts and give into the comfort of his embrace is hard. I want to just melt into what he so freely gives. We have a quiet comfort at times, he is doing one thing and I another and yet we are enjoying that cozy time in the same room. Why is it so hard to just let go and enjoy, to trust that someone will take care of me and look out for me? I admit, I grew up a bit fast and have always had an independant persona to get me through the hard times, I don't think I have ever felt safe enough to put down that sheild and really let someone in to see all that I am. I want to and his gentle coaxing may be working.

Here's to laying down the shield and enjoying the comfort. To being the princess I have always wanted to be and having someone take care of me for awhile.

We are going on a camping trip this weekend.(weather permitting...as the rain has tampered undelightfully with the last two weekends that we had planned.) I am excited for our first overnight trip together. I am excited to see how well we work together in an outdoors situation. But most of all, he told me to leave my Dom panties in the next county and let him take care of me and I am excited and scared to lay it all down and let him be the man. I want to trust him to be good to me, look out for me and bring me pleasure. I hope all goes well!

C. Wilde

Emotionally Distant---am I the pusher or the pushee

Thought: I am overly emotional most of the time and closed off at others. I close off when I don't want to hurt. However, I seem to end up with emotionally distant people. I am starting to think that I confuse them more than I confuse myself. Maybe I am making them emotionally distant. I mean, someone gets too close to fast and I run....that could shut them off. But then when they are emotionally distant, I get irritated and wonder why they don't want to be close to me. Did I hurt them by getting scared and pushing them away and now they are walled off because they don't want to hurt??? Holy is this some sick circular pain like I have read about. We get hurt and hide, everyone??? I am not sure, but it is my theory right now. I need to try hard to stay open emotionally and to communicate no matter what and then maybe others will be able to do the same. At least with honesty, you will know if something is going to work or not with out feeling so confused.

I don't like feeling like someone is only emotionally close when sex is involved. I need emotional closeness for sex to mean anything to me, otherwise it just isn't really worth it. I want someone to touch me gently, listen to me, treat me with respect and so on and so on. But I need that closeness or I get restless, insecure and I start to withdraw from a relationship more and look for someone who will give me the attention I long for. I know that may seem childish, but I long to be important to someone in that way. I wanted to be a Daddy's girl growing up, but I never got that. I never got to be that important girl to someone and I want it, and keep striving for it. I give lots of attention to those I am with and I just want it in return.

GRRRRR.....I have a dirty pirate hooker feeling coming on...watch our Caption Morgan I may be looking to get some attention from you soon if things don't look up.

*smiles*

C. Wilde

Fairytale Fail Boat

I love using my words to analize myself! Relationships of the romantic kind....I ride the fail boat. I want them, I long for them, I work for them and yet subconsciously I sabatage myself. I want the fairytale! I want to be the princess and have a knight in shining armor, a unicorn, a dragon...I want passion and a great story with beautiful memories!!! But guess what this serial monogamist realized......I am scared of commitment! Can you believe that shit?? I have great friendships and can let people get close, I can have meaningless sex and/or sexual encounters, I can scene like a professional Dominatrix and be great without being overly emotional. The thing is I am an emotional person, I need that outlet and I hide it from people or at least try sometimes. I worry so much about getting hurt that I don't live in and enjoy the moment. I enjoy moments with friends or when alone...but I get so emotionally scared I just set myself up for causing problems and taking the trip on the fail boat.

Well, I don't want to ride the fail boat any longer! I want a strong, healthy, happy relationship! I want passion and not to feel like I am losing opportunities to be loved by giving someone all of mine. I want to take my emotional relationship baggage and toss it in the lake as I jump the fail boat. I am only saving myself, not the baggage and in doing so I am saving any potential relationship in my future.

I need to start pulling my weight and I need to stop shutting down emotionally. I have been very honest about my emotional chaos in my new relationship and I am proud of myself. I talk about even the hard stuff and the stuff I don't think he will like hearing. I also need to start holding to agreements and to talk out decisions before making them. I can't continue to live like a single girl if I am not and expect someone to be entirely okay with that. I am so glad I am seeing this in a new light....Thank God for opening my eyes finally.

On another note....I have great friends! I was having a bad day and had to take a pregnancy test (negative thank goodness). They threw me a "we love C." party. We ate chicken alfredo that J made. We had balloons and party favors, beads and I had a light up tiara! We sang karaoke and had a blast. They know how to cheer me up and make me feel loved when I need it!

Thank you all!!

C. Wilde

***FYI for our readers****

J and I (C) are very busy social people. We stay connected with friends and family on facebook and, well I keep up with friends on fetlife as well. We will take times were there is just nothing that is making us feel like writing. J is currently working on his novella, so that is his writing outlet for the time being. I (C), however, have tons on my mind and may be taking over this blogspot for awhile. To those of you who love J, he will be back eventually and sorry to put you through my ramblings. To those who love me (C), well buckle up and enjoy the ride!


C. Wilde

When it rains, it pours.....It's raining men...dear God

OMG...WTF!? Well, my divorce from husband #2 is final. I am in mourning a bit. I am confused to who I am truly as a single woman. I am a serial monogamist, I like being in relationships, feeling special, snuggling. I don't, however, want to rush into anything too soon. I don't want to fall into old habits. I don't want to give my all right now because I fear getting nothing back. I fear falling hard, rebounding and being hurt again.

I met someone who treats me like a princess and I love it. We have alot in common and he makes me feel good, he makes me smile, he makes me feel pretty and most of all he calms me when I am chaotic. He is a combination of man and boy, provider and needy, big spoon and little spoon. I like him, I like him alot. I worry about getting into another serious relationship, and walking away a few years older and more hurt. I am 30, I want to settle down, I want that long life love with someone. The kind of love that lets me grow old and loved, where I can imagine sitting on my front porch in the evening holding the wrinkled hand of my husband 50 years from now. I want that, I want someone to love me that much to want that with me, but the more time I spend with one person, the less opportunities I have to find that person and yet what if this is the right person ....I want to give it enough time. And now that I am seeing someone I am meeting all kinds of men interested in me....them again they are probably only interested in one thing...grrr! Catch 21 if I ever had one!!!

I got a job. I will get my bills caught up. I applied to go to college at SDSU, possibly get my teaching degree so I can teach art or maybe just take classes for the fun of learning....I am such a nerd.

Well, that is life and on this rainy day in June...when it rains, it pours.

C. Wilde

You Guys Rock At Life, Tyler Does Not (C. Wilde)

Yes a lot has changed. J. got a new boyfriend, who I have named Angel Baby. He is great, a cute boy with a great sense for house cleaning. I can not complain too much. And they are so muuushy.....nom nom nomming eachother all the time, all over the house.

Life got crazy, then relaxed and is now a bit crazy again. We have had a great time with a great many friends. I am so happy to have met so many wonderful people on this little journey in life. And along the way, I fell into something I never saw coming. A relationship of sorts, I am still looking forward to my official divorce, but after a year of crazy a knight came in on a white horse and all. I am being treated like a princess, I am trusted, respected. He likes my friends and goes above and beyond. It is a great change to how things have been in my past.

Now with summer kicking into gear, we are getting ready for NINJA PENGUIN kick ball, wedding of family and friends, a Mad Hatter tea party along with many other summer adventures. I hope that we can get this ball rolling again so you all can hear about our crazy time in the Penthouse of Decadence.

C. Wilde

You Guys Rock At Life, Tyler Does Not (J. Wilde)

So, my roommate and I have officially created a Facebook group for our various endeavors, and I figured I should respond by posting a cool blog post. I could not think of anything, so I just took random pieces of a conversation my two friends are having and thrust them together to form the title.

Lots has changed since my last blog entry, although nothing too big. I officially have a billion friends, or at least I think the majority of them are friends. You can never ben too sure about people you just met. Are they going to be the type of people you can call in the middle of the night? Or the type of people you just drink with downtown? Or are they people you just hang with? You can never be sure when you first meet them. There is always this sort of trepidation about where they stand and where you stand. Are they the ones to call you or are you the ones to call them?

My mom always told me that the best friends are the ones that call you (and you don't pick up) that when you find out they called you call them right back. I always feel like I am the guy to call my friends, and that they never really care that I call them. It seems like I'm the one who calls everyone. Does that mean I don't have any friends? Or that I'm just...clingy and proactive?

One of the biggest things that have changed (and why my friends list has exploded) is that I have a new boyfriend. He is no one too special...well he is...but I don't want him to have a big head. He introduced me to all of his friends and I have taken them over. He is a great guy, really. I broke up with him for like thirty-seven seconds, and then we got back together. He likes Doctor Who (after I got him into it). He likes Gargoyles and old cartoons. He does like the history channel, but not everyone can be perfect.

Well, I will post more later. I'm just trying to get the ball rolling.

When Your Back is Turned (J. Wilde)

I do not know what goes on behind my back, which is where this topic started. Well, I can tell you almost exactly when I wanted to write about this, and it was later in the day that I sent this to my roommate. I was sitting at Cottonwood with my friend, Kye, and I was searching through Facebook showing her some of the people my friend and I had in common. I was going through all his friends to show the people I had yet to add to my own Friends list. (We have 22 friends in common, and countless others I have met). The friend walks into the coffee shop. Not only do I feel like an awkward creeper, but I just state "You scared the shit out of me, I'm Facebook stalking you right now." He looked at me like I was a bit off my rocker, although he talked to me for a few minutes and then went to sit down.

I wanted to write this blog mostly because I never know what people are doing when I am not there. It scares me a little bit, although I hope some of the things they say are nice. The same friend (who is honest about some things, joking about others, and sometimes I'm never sure where we stand as friends) has stated "Don't flatter yourself, I don't talk about you."

Sometimes, I would like to be talked about. I have this boy that I don't know if we're seeing each other, just friends, or happen to sleep together from time to time. I would like to think he talks about me, but I'm never exactly sure. I know I talk about him constantly, mostly cause I find him highly enjoyable. There's a lot I can say about him, and a large part of me WANTS to date him, but the mixed signals throw me off.

Nine times out of ten, I honestly tell people upfront where I stand. Even with both the boys mentioned in this entry, I am honest. I do not like the secrets that can come to the surface down the road, I'd much rather face the pain now and tell them straight forwardly. I just hope that people give me the same courtesy. Some do, I already know that. Others, I sometimes wonder what's being said. I sometimes where how I come up in some people's conversations, or if I come up at all. I guess that is just the control freak in me.

When Your Back Is Turned (C. Wilde)

What happens when your back is turned? I am amazed at what some people will do behind my back. Lies, deceit, cheating, the list could go on. Some people are always trying to get away with something. Yes sometimes I am paranoid about what could be going on behind my back, but in reality there isn't anything I can do about it. So even here in blog, that is all I have to say on the negative side of it.

I wonder about good things that go on behind my back. I wonder if men watch me walk away and check me out without me knowing. I wonder if women whisper about liking my outfit or my aire of confidence. I wonder if my roommate tells other people what a wonderful roommate I am. I wonder if when I am not looking I am being loved and admired. I would love to think that this is the case. When my back is turned I could only hope that all my insecurities are proven wrong....I wish I could see that up close though.

To my family and friends....when your back is turned, I love you, I am worrying about you, I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. I may lovingly bitch about you, but I am also telling others how wonderful you are. I do not always talk nice about those I don't like, I know it isn't right and it may be when they are not around, but if I don't like you I am sure you know it and hence it really isn't behind your back because I would say it to your face. (That is the meanest thing I have said in awhile)

Either way.....I would rather believe that what goes on behind my back is better than it is, but I not going to stress if it isn't.

C.Wilde

A Night Not To Be Forgotten (C. Wilde)

My poor roommate had such a rough night. Now I do feel sorry for him getting locked out while trying to be an upstanding guy and helping with house work while I was away, but I don't go out with MY friends very often and I really needed it! I had such a great night, can you almost hear my purring as I say that. I still tingle all over. I was with friends, I was safe, I was able to be myself like I have never been in public.

I am and have been a Dominant in the BDSM lifestyle for some time now. I enjoy so many aspects of being Dominant, but these same enjoyments are on my submissive side as well, only that until last night that side of me was for one person only and behind closed doors only. I have taken a lot of time in the last year to evaluate my submission, I consider myself switch, but I don't give into my sub side so easily. Last night, I just let it happen. I was so happy. I was bound, teasingly tortured, wrestled with, snuggled.....all of this with my clothes on!...but all the same I had a great time.

A funny twist. A year ago, when I met some of my friends one guy was the house boy and I was all Dom all the time. Last night, I switched to sub and he was the resident Dom. He and a female friend worked on a beautiful rope corset and kept me feeling secure all night. Another gentleman snuggled me and played with my hair. I served a drink on my knees, I crawled and was fed by a friend, I was a teaching tool for my neighbor in learning more about floggers. I felt so good, to just be myself in ways I never show. Part of me knows that my Dominant tendencies aren't going anywhere, but at the same time I want someone who understands that and sees how they can push me submissively.

Just thinking about it makes me want it more. There was no overtly sexual play, I mean technicalities really, I have things to take care of and don't want it to become just sexual. At this point, I am left wanting more, and I do.....BADLY! I mean, I throb to be touched again. I have emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually deprived for sometime. I am a typical new sub....hahahahaha, so excited and wanting it all:) I guess I have been Dom enough though to really appreciate what I am experiencing. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I feel desirable and loved by my friends and know that when I am in a relationship that I will need these things.

I will have to think on this more.....

I am working on a Dominant Resume and a Submissive Owners Manual for myself....mostly for fun, but also to put on paper what I like, want, desire. I will eventually post it when finished.

Thanks for listening!

C.Wilde

A Night To Forget [Revisited] (J. Wilde)

After my last post, last night perhaps seemed like a bust. That was not the case, and it just honestly became one of the more interesting nights I have had. Of course, it was somewhat of a bust. I didn't get to see the people that I originally went downtown to see, but I met some fairly interesting people nonetheless. I ended up going downtown after my last post and went to one of the three bars I can easily find myself getting into. I hung out with some various English graduate students talking here and there. Billy, Suri, Jess, Jamie, Tessa and...the other guy whose name I can't remember. We talked about literature, and after bad hand gestures we talked a little bit about sex (heterosexual...save for the one gay comment I made). It was a good time, and they're both really interesting people.

So, I hit up Main Street Pub afterwards hoping to find someone I knew. No one I knew happened to be singing, but luckily the bartender lent me her phone to call my roommate. My roommate was very much still involved in Watertown, and at the time of this writing could still be involved with her group. I don't know, nor does part of me care. (The other part does...cause I have a shit ton of stuff I need to do today since last night for school work happened to be a bust). After that conversation, I began to walk back to my brother's in the shorts and light blue jacket. The wind honestly took bites out of my leg-flesh as I walked along, but that's what happens when you wear shorts in Feb.

The party that had been occupying the living room vanished. My brother alone sat in the room, and I used the small "baby" computer (that I am using now) to check my yahoo messenger and Facebook. I was irritated. I was looking for my friends phone numbers, which are not online, and then begin to bitch because I could not go down town and see them. However, a thought came to me. My brother was 21. We used MY Id before to get him into bars, would it work in reverse? I asked a friend online, and although he said it was a bad idea, he left it mostly up to me. I took my brother's ID and his phone (My brother is a grand fellow) and made my way back downtown.

I walked into Skinner's with my head up, my lips far from a smile and handed the ID. They let me get in. This is where I saw my friend Justin. Justin and I have a fairly interesting past, mostly because we seem to see each other so sporadically. That works, mostly because we both frequent the bars on weekends. I talked for a few minutes, and he tried to get ahold of another friend (who lived in my apartment building). She didn't answer, so I set the phone down and bid them a quick "I'll be back." I scowered the other bars, easily getting in...mostly because I am way to well known downtown, but also because of the ID of my brother I had in my pocket.

With my friends nowhere to be seen, I made my way back into Skinner's. I was a bit afraid the guy at the bar wouldn't let me in (mostly cause I know he's seen me with my other ID). He did...but it makes me slightly suspicious since he might not let me in next time WITH my ID. I began hanging out with Justin. Kyle (one of Justin's friends) ended up coming over to join us and we had a slight conversation. He ended up mentioning how he liked Twilight and I said. "Are you kidding me? That makes you gayer than I am, and I suck cock!" Right in the middle of Skinners. We bonded.

I also said one other interesting quote last night in reference to bisexuality. "It's kind of like having your learners permit, until you get a full liscense." It was a very interesting night to say the least. Kyle was fun. He works at Wal Mart, and bought me a Chuck Norris shot, which was my first drink of the night. Then, Justin gave me his PBR. Then, he gave me his NEXT PBR, because he took Derek's vodka/red bull. I was fairly tipsy by the time this young man Alex came over to begin talking to Kyle.

Alex was an attractive young man who actually started school the same time I did. He is part of some computer degree on campus. He knew my friend Charlie, and he used to be pre-Pharmacy, although he didn't get in the program. He and Kyle took two more Chuck Norris shots before the end of the night, although I was invited over to Kyle's (where Alex was going). I ended up going with Derek to Stormo's (another mutual friend).

The night was fairly fun overall, and I'm kind of glad it happened. I'm not exactly happy about the events that transpired. It was one of those nights that you're never sure what's going to come of it, but now that it's happened, I'm just glad that it did. I missed buying my friend a drink of any sort (and didn't even see him) on his 21st, but I don't know where we stand as friends. I did not see Amanda last night to see how gorgeous she looked in her dress.

(That's also some slight drama I might need to rectify today, nothing that will ruin a friendship over...but I'll work on it).

Today is another day, and if I knew where my brother's phone charger was I would plug it in and call my roommate. Last night...drama and everything worked out for the best (as Marc said it would), but now I am ready to go home.

A Night to Forget (J. Wilde)

So, officially speaking... I had a wonderful night last night. I spent time with my friends at my apartment. I drank perhaps a little bit too much alcohol, but overall my night was a really good time. Today was decent enough. I gave my friend his birthday presents (through a proxy). I helped aforementioned friend get ready for a formal. I finished the most recent draft of my story for Creative Writing. Good day. Now, I was actually going to sit down and start work on my next short story and poems. I was going to procrastinate, and as such...clean house. First, you must remember that our house is never a mess. What we consider a mess...most people would consider scraps of paper on a table. Second, the only room that had any sort of 'mess' would be the kitchen.

Now, I was going to take out the garbage before doing the dishes. I was going to do this so my roommate would not have to do so. I picked up the trash, looked around in the kitchen for other trash. I got it all together, and then...left. Forgetting my keys. So, I threw the trash away walked around the block. I hoped my roommate would be home in the next few hours...but after using the Subway guys phone...I found out not only was she tied up, but she would not be home until midnight.

I wore shorts today. I wore an old taz shirt I have had since 5th or 6th grade, a gray muscle-shirt underneath it, with finally a spring jacket that is light as hell. I didn't grab my cell phone. I didn't have my keys. I don't have my computer, and I have none of my homework.

Five hours from now...I may get into my apartment... But that is hours away. Now, I sit here and whine...proving to my mother that in fact...Blogs are used as such. Sorry. I need to vent. It's my own stupidity, but I really want to do my homework.... I want the dishes to be clean. I want to sit in my apartment and dance to music that I may not want to be seen dancing too. Whatever, C'est La Vie.

The Ties That Bind (J. Wilde)

It's been awhile since I actually placed some words on the blog, and it's really interesting. I'm taking this in a slightly different direction than my roommate (yes, I read her blog before posting mine, what a sacrilege). "Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave" is this quote that continues to come up throughout television melodramas, but it does seem to fit with my life. Last night, I met a new very interesting person. She was my roommates friend that she had been talking to for some time, oddly enough, I met her before. I became a staple in the community when I worked at the Brookings Book Company. I actually sold her a graphic novel, and she called me "very different than she remembers. You were professional at the store." She called me professional!

I spent all of yesterday with my friend Amanda, although she spent the majority of the night with her boyfriend. Now, this situation in itself creates a tangled web. I met Amanda when I was in 8th grade. We met at a band concert, and both played the same instrument. We've been friends on and off every since. The off only happens when we're off doing our own things. We eventually run into each other again and our friendship is back. Jamie (her boyfriend), I met when I decided to look into joining a Fraternity. As I stood there in front of the booth talking to them, he offered me to join the other guys at Capers. I did so, and afterwards they asked me to go downtown. I met a very nice man, who does in fact play into the Jamie/Amanda story.

That Saturday, I went to Capers with my roommate and Amanda. We ended up going into the bar, and this very nice man was at the bar and helped me get my water. I told the various guys I met (whose names escape me, either because there were so many or because of the alcohol) I stated that I would catch them later, but I had friends on the dance floor. I dropped off my water and searched them out. Jamie stood at the bar. I had talked to him a few times and I moved up next to him. We struck up a conversation and me in my drunkenness stated. "You should meet my blonde friend Amanda, she is hot." Or something like that. Amanda had separated from the group after Capers, but planned on meeting up with us again. Jamie looked at me all nonchalantly and said, "Well, thanks, but I have these two girls I'm kind of trying to decide on."

I let it go.

Needless to say, when Amanda walked into the bar. She picked out Jamie (who isn't hard to find in ANY crowd), and said "I want that one." I could not help but contain that weird butterflies in my stomach. I looked at her and said, "Go talk to him." And pushed her to go do so. They've known each other for almost a month, and been 'officially' dating for a week.

This night is actually even more tangled. When we first entered this bar, my roommate and I moved back to the dance floor. I saw my friend Kayla. She had her own party, and my roommate introduced herself. She asked Kayla's friend if she was 'in the lifestyle' because of a collar around her neck. The friend said no, but her friend was. Her friend...was our neighbor.

These kind of coincidences seem to surround me. There is a bit more to that story, but it's not blog appropriate...well it is, but it's really not my story to tell.

I mean in the gay community, you will always run into someone who has slept with the same person you did. Officially speaking, it's not that large of community here. But these serendipitous moments with my heterosexual friends actually make me a bit sad. The same thing happened with my friend Rachel.

Rachel was my roommate for about a year, but has been my friend since we were in kindergarten. Now, I knew she knew how to sew, and actually asked if she wanted to help with the community theatre. I introduced her and another friend to Kristene and they started helping where they could. Due to this introduction, Kristene asked them to accompany me at a 'the Bitch is finally gone' bar-crawl with some of her graduate students. Rachel met Billy. Rachel made out with Billy at the Lantern. Months later, they are now living together.

I mean to some extent, even my brother's current fiancee is due to me. I wanted him to move to Brookings with me. If he was in Brookings, he was more likely to go to school (which he did! go me!). He got a job at Star Circuits here in Brookings, he met his girlfriend. The two of them are now living together, engaged, and I couldn't be happier.

Somedays, I feel like I'm some sort of center for all these interesting things that happen to my friends. The hurricane is blaring around me, and I'm in the eye of the storm. I pull out people and place them together. I tie them up, and throw them back out into the hurricane of life. I just stay here alone, interacting with the various people who show up.

Maybe someday it'll happen to me. The stars will align; the planets will stop spinning; and for a brief second, this serendipity that haunts the edges of my life and pushes the destinies of my closest friends will happen to me.

The Ties That Bind (C. Wilde)

I read a BDSM book once with this same title. It was good, like most BDSM books I have read. Today, like other days I question the ties that bind us; family, friends, beliefs, jobs....are we bound by choice, submitting to the world around us? I feel like I struggle against my tethers so often, am I struggling for a purpose or just to struggle? Am I making life harder on myself because of these behaviors or am I being more true to myself in fighting the monotonous and closed minded world around me?

What do I allow to bind me down personally? To answer that I would have to say that I am my own worst enemy and my inability to let go of certain hurts truly bind me down and don't allow me to move on healthy with others at times. I am bound by my own high expectations of myself and where my life "should" be by now. I am bound by fear, especially a fear of failure, a fear of disappointing others, a fear of not being loved. I am bound by a certain amount of co-dependence, low self esteem and self mind mutilation.

I break out on my own as often as possible, I try to break my chains and just be me without reservations or apologies. I guess that is what makes this blog therapeutic, I can just write out how I feel and not care who sees it or what they think of me. I have had paper journals like this for years and I am sick of the "bind" that never allows anyone to really know me, because of my fears I have hidden alot.

I am a normal girl, I want a fairly normal relationship....romance, BDSM, common interests, laughter....I have a mind of chaos. I know I need someone who is laid back and more like a rock. I need someone who is so organized that they enjoy my adventurous little quips and help me to enjoy stability a bit. I have a very perverted and sadistic mind at times. I am open minded, spiritual, but non judging. I don't want to struggle at being me anymore and I am working a bit at a time, day by day. I don't always make the right decisions in other people's minds, but in hind sight I can see things....but in the end the choices are mine. I am sorry for hurting others along the way, I hope that I can be forgiven and that it can be seen that it was not intentional or a personal attack.

I only want to be bound by my own free will to be bound. I want to bound with love and laughter, adventure and joy!

Thank you for understanding!

C. Wilde

Life is Rough, Use Lube (J. Wilde)

It's odd to be writing about this when for the first day in a long time life seems to be flowing pretty well. The flood waters have seemingly receding and the first time I see dry land. I sit here and think about my roommate comments. I think of her last night sitting here in this same chair as the lights in our living room broke the darkness of the room and kept her illuminated. She began to type and throw out her hard. I can almost see the stress on her face as she thinks about her lack of a job, and it tears me up as I continue to try and keep her up beat. She wants to keep everything together, but it's a tough time. Her world in many ways feels like it's breaking down into pieces, and she has no idea how to put the puzzle back together.

But...

She needs to keep open and keep positive. The world is hard to put together for everyone. Sometimes, the same pieces don't fit into the new puzzle. Sometimes, you think they fit, but even then you have to move them around...or discard them all together. She has a strong support from both me and her family, which I hope she realizes. She may be the only one who makes the choices, but wrong or right people like me, my neighbors, her mother, her brother, and countless other friends are going to be there for her.

I don't think she always sees that. She, like me, remains afraid of being alone. I just got done reading an amazing autobiography about a man who was what he coined as a 'serial monogamous'. I have heard that term before, but he would be in a relationship for 2-5 years and then go into a new relationship. His current relationship happened at forty, and at the time of the writing he seemed geuninely happy. That's 16 years away for me, which relatively isn't that long. Honestly, I can't wait to see where I am at. Will I have written a book? Novella? Poem? Will I be a teacher? Professor? Academic? Who knows. I'm still young, and the world and the people in it are out there.

My roommate and I are a perfect match, we're at the same stage with different ages. We've each had life experiences that have both bitch slapped us, and caressed us with silk. We just want more silk than slaps, but that isn't how life works. You wouldn't know how well the silk felt if you didn't have the sting left over from the slap. I sometimes delude myself into believing the world is good. Life is good. Life sucks sometimes, but without the hardships that I have had I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have been able to join the Navy. I wouldn't be able to have the friends I've had. All of it comes down to one experience or another.

I think in a couple years, if C. Wilde and I are still living together we'll think of this time and it will have a bittersweetness. I may be with someone new; she may be with someone new. I might be alone, but we'll both have the strength to keep us going. Together, separate, and with our friends, we'll be strong. We're strong people, but love weakens everything. We just have to cement our place in this life and go with it. Someone will tear down the boundaries, and we'll let them eventually. The problem is we need to be ready for them, and not looking.

I'm going all over the place. My view on life is quoted from a comic book written by Judd Winick in a comic book entitled "Graduation Day". Donna Troy is talking to her former mentors new sidekick and says "I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know tomorrow will come. And I will be there to meet it." I have quoted this several times throughout my recent years because no matter how hard today sucks; no matter how many people fuck you over; tomorrow has a chance at being truly brilliant. I want to be there to see it metaphorically holding hands with my roommate, my friends, a new potential love, and my family. The people who love me are who matter, and they will be there tomorrow to help me get through whatever the hell I need.

Life Is Rough, Use Lube (C. Wilde)

OMG.....I mean really, my aunt said it best of facebook when she said she was "experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute" ...I completely understand this one. I mean here I am in round &*^()& with my soon to be 2nd ex husband. We have been apart a long time and he has admitted to cheating on me our entire relationship, that our marriage was a sham because he wasn't in it or committed.....oh the list goes on.

I am no angel, but my heart has been put on dry ice and then smashed so that the tiny shards flew in every direction and melt slowly leaving only small puddles of blood for random passers by to see. No one sees the whole picture, I am not even sure if I do. I don't think using someone's own blood and tears for lube is acceptable, no matter how sadistically fun in may sound. I am broken, I was shattered, I have been working to put these little pieces back together.

I have given him chance after chance and nothing changes. I mean I have changed, I am more assertive and he hates it. He may not be cheating anymore, but I can't just trust him right off the bat and he doesn't want to work at it. Well I don't ever want to feel like this again. He has stalled and stalled on the divorce and I finally put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. I set up the court date and made him aware. Now, once again, he is reading his Bible and wants me back. I would love to believe it, but I feel it is just another manipulation on his part because he knows how I feel about divorce after finding God in my life and wanting to not make the same mistakes of my past. (ie: divorce)

I really gave him my all, the good, the bad and the ugly and lost myself in the process. Yes I have issues, I have baggage, when someone gets close....even when I really want it or like it, I still push them away because I don't want to be vulnerable or hurt....I know he had it rough with me at times, but it wasn't intentional, I didn't try to make him feel like shit, I didn't cheat while we were married and in the same home, I didn't make him believe he was the problem for our failure. I took responsibility and just needed some understanding.

WTF?! I can't even blog, I am just so pissed off. I don't know if there is enough lube in the world to make this smooth. Only time will tell.

C. Wilde