Thought: I am overly emotional most of the time and closed off at others. I close off when I don't want to hurt. However, I seem to end up with emotionally distant people. I am starting to think that I confuse them more than I confuse myself. Maybe I am making them emotionally distant. I mean, someone gets too close to fast and I run....that could shut them off. But then when they are emotionally distant, I get irritated and wonder why they don't want to be close to me. Did I hurt them by getting scared and pushing them away and now they are walled off because they don't want to hurt??? Holy is this some sick circular pain like I have read about. We get hurt and hide, everyone??? I am not sure, but it is my theory right now. I need to try hard to stay open emotionally and to communicate no matter what and then maybe others will be able to do the same. At least with honesty, you will know if something is going to work or not with out feeling so confused.
I don't like feeling like someone is only emotionally close when sex is involved. I need emotional closeness for sex to mean anything to me, otherwise it just isn't really worth it. I want someone to touch me gently, listen to me, treat me with respect and so on and so on. But I need that closeness or I get restless, insecure and I start to withdraw from a relationship more and look for someone who will give me the attention I long for. I know that may seem childish, but I long to be important to someone in that way. I wanted to be a Daddy's girl growing up, but I never got that. I never got to be that important girl to someone and I want it, and keep striving for it. I give lots of attention to those I am with and I just want it in return.
GRRRRR.....I have a dirty pirate hooker feeling coming on...watch our Caption Morgan I may be looking to get some attention from you soon if things don't look up.
*smiles*
C. Wilde
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