Fairytale Fail Boat

I love using my words to analize myself! Relationships of the romantic kind....I ride the fail boat. I want them, I long for them, I work for them and yet subconsciously I sabatage myself. I want the fairytale! I want to be the princess and have a knight in shining armor, a unicorn, a dragon...I want passion and a great story with beautiful memories!!! But guess what this serial monogamist realized......I am scared of commitment! Can you believe that shit?? I have great friendships and can let people get close, I can have meaningless sex and/or sexual encounters, I can scene like a professional Dominatrix and be great without being overly emotional. The thing is I am an emotional person, I need that outlet and I hide it from people or at least try sometimes. I worry so much about getting hurt that I don't live in and enjoy the moment. I enjoy moments with friends or when alone...but I get so emotionally scared I just set myself up for causing problems and taking the trip on the fail boat.

Well, I don't want to ride the fail boat any longer! I want a strong, healthy, happy relationship! I want passion and not to feel like I am losing opportunities to be loved by giving someone all of mine. I want to take my emotional relationship baggage and toss it in the lake as I jump the fail boat. I am only saving myself, not the baggage and in doing so I am saving any potential relationship in my future.

I need to start pulling my weight and I need to stop shutting down emotionally. I have been very honest about my emotional chaos in my new relationship and I am proud of myself. I talk about even the hard stuff and the stuff I don't think he will like hearing. I also need to start holding to agreements and to talk out decisions before making them. I can't continue to live like a single girl if I am not and expect someone to be entirely okay with that. I am so glad I am seeing this in a new light....Thank God for opening my eyes finally.

On another note....I have great friends! I was having a bad day and had to take a pregnancy test (negative thank goodness). They threw me a "we love C." party. We ate chicken alfredo that J made. We had balloons and party favors, beads and I had a light up tiara! We sang karaoke and had a blast. They know how to cheer me up and make me feel loved when I need it!

Thank you all!!

C. Wilde