When Your Back is Turned (J. Wilde)

I do not know what goes on behind my back, which is where this topic started. Well, I can tell you almost exactly when I wanted to write about this, and it was later in the day that I sent this to my roommate. I was sitting at Cottonwood with my friend, Kye, and I was searching through Facebook showing her some of the people my friend and I had in common. I was going through all his friends to show the people I had yet to add to my own Friends list. (We have 22 friends in common, and countless others I have met). The friend walks into the coffee shop. Not only do I feel like an awkward creeper, but I just state "You scared the shit out of me, I'm Facebook stalking you right now." He looked at me like I was a bit off my rocker, although he talked to me for a few minutes and then went to sit down.

I wanted to write this blog mostly because I never know what people are doing when I am not there. It scares me a little bit, although I hope some of the things they say are nice. The same friend (who is honest about some things, joking about others, and sometimes I'm never sure where we stand as friends) has stated "Don't flatter yourself, I don't talk about you."

Sometimes, I would like to be talked about. I have this boy that I don't know if we're seeing each other, just friends, or happen to sleep together from time to time. I would like to think he talks about me, but I'm never exactly sure. I know I talk about him constantly, mostly cause I find him highly enjoyable. There's a lot I can say about him, and a large part of me WANTS to date him, but the mixed signals throw me off.

Nine times out of ten, I honestly tell people upfront where I stand. Even with both the boys mentioned in this entry, I am honest. I do not like the secrets that can come to the surface down the road, I'd much rather face the pain now and tell them straight forwardly. I just hope that people give me the same courtesy. Some do, I already know that. Others, I sometimes wonder what's being said. I sometimes where how I come up in some people's conversations, or if I come up at all. I guess that is just the control freak in me.

When Your Back Is Turned (C. Wilde)

What happens when your back is turned? I am amazed at what some people will do behind my back. Lies, deceit, cheating, the list could go on. Some people are always trying to get away with something. Yes sometimes I am paranoid about what could be going on behind my back, but in reality there isn't anything I can do about it. So even here in blog, that is all I have to say on the negative side of it.

I wonder about good things that go on behind my back. I wonder if men watch me walk away and check me out without me knowing. I wonder if women whisper about liking my outfit or my aire of confidence. I wonder if my roommate tells other people what a wonderful roommate I am. I wonder if when I am not looking I am being loved and admired. I would love to think that this is the case. When my back is turned I could only hope that all my insecurities are proven wrong....I wish I could see that up close though.

To my family and friends....when your back is turned, I love you, I am worrying about you, I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. I may lovingly bitch about you, but I am also telling others how wonderful you are. I do not always talk nice about those I don't like, I know it isn't right and it may be when they are not around, but if I don't like you I am sure you know it and hence it really isn't behind your back because I would say it to your face. (That is the meanest thing I have said in awhile)

Either way.....I would rather believe that what goes on behind my back is better than it is, but I not going to stress if it isn't.

C.Wilde