My Submission

No matter my Dominant tendencies and how happy they make me or how much a part of me they are; I have the heart of a fighter when needed, I can be in control.........but I long for the comfort of being all that and submitting to another. My heart longs to be lead a bit. I want to be the best I can be for myself and others. I feel a sense of pride when I accomplish something that makes someone else happy...obviously not everything, but for the most part I really am a people pleaser. I want to please others without being taken advantage of.

I long to feel my ass cheeks all warm and tingly after a good spanking. I don't mind having my hair pulled a bit. I don't mind someone putting their hand around my neck or even slapping my face a little, if it is to get the point across that I am their's and done in a non-abusive, unangry manner. I enjoy giving into the sensations of my body and mind. I enjoy trusting someone enough to know they won't hurt me. I enjoy snuggles and kisses for a job well done, I love being praised.

It is nice to have a relationship that is mostly vanilla with a drizzle of kink most of the time and yet allows us the option to up the ante when and how we want. Last night we tried lots of new things....like the reverse cowgirl position. I enjoy being able to honestly trust someone to try new things. I hope our experiences grow and grow.

C. Wilde
aka Precious Puddles

The Double Edged Sword of being a Switch...

I had a great weekend overall. I went skinny dipping for the 3rd time with friends on Friday night. The moon was full, there was lightning to the south of the lake and the fog moved in over the water. I felt like a siren and free. I love feeling free.

Saturday I went to a Lifestyle munch in Watertown. I love getting together with my friends and laughing. We BBQ'd. I ended up skinny dipping in the middle of the afternoon :) Ren tied up a few subs in harnesses and we had our version of sub olympics...fetch, tug o war....it was fun! We had a great turn out and when we settled inside for the evening, there were many scenes that took place.

I had been sexually charged all week in the aftermath of last weekend. I was in sub mode and in anticipation of my Man arriving. I was given the instructions that I could be Dom but only play with friends he knows, however our goofing off is fair game. I chose not to but on my Dom panties because I didn't want to be in that mind set when he arrived. When he arrived he was tired and not as receptive as usual. :( The a Dom friend told him I had been smoking, so I was publicly punished just a bit. I have never been punished before, maybe a little bit in private, but never in front of people. I was almost crushed.

When he had arrived, I was vibrating with sexual energy. His every touch made me light headed. I couldn't wait to scene, because sub space would have been eminant. I was thrown by the punishment, but the worst was when he decided there were just to many people for him to feel comfortable scening. I know he is new and a bit nervous and I can't blame him. My sub side was now vibrating with hurt, anger, sexuality.....I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I didn't want to be the only sub who didn't get played with. I didn't want to be a disappointment either, or make us look bad. It sucks having been Dom and knowing that everything my sub side wanted and needed to do, was technically inappropriate for someone of experience. I wanted to cry, throw a temper tantrum, pout. But instread, I smiled, I made sure we left in grace, we left in the highest spirits I could muster so no one would wonder.

I was so jealous of the new subs, watching them be flogged, wanting my first scene. I have never been so sad about something submissively. I felt unworthy, like I had done something wrong, like I had earned it and it hurt so bad. I never thought I would think that way, but the worst was being able to see it from a Dom point of view and knowing that I would hate myself more if I reacted in the ways that my feelings were telling me. I am glad I did what I did as when we talked the next day, we were both able to say our piece and feel good about our relationship and what we want.

Sunday we spent at the lake, listening to the waves crash on the rocks. I read and we talked alot. It was so romantic and we watched the sun set before leaving. He does take care of me and he does meet my needs, this one will just take a little more time, but he will do it because he hasn't lied to me yet :)

C. Wilde

Acceptence and my submission

I am really good at acting like I don't care, to not showing too many emotions to those I don't want to see. I hide behind my boisterous, extroverted attitude. I use humor, sarcasm and maybe angst to keep people where I need them, which is far away from my real emotions. Sometimes I feel like a soldier, when I have to take care of shit, my Dom side comes out and my emotions fade into the back. I know this is a self-preservation tecnnique with years of practice and I guess sometimes I still feel like I need it.

However, that is not always the person I am, usually just the person I feel I need to be. I am a very emotional, caring person. I hate confrontation and only do it when it is necessary. I don't like being in charge all the time.

My submissive side looks for acceptance. When I show someone who I really am, when I show them all my emotions, all my thoughts, and really open up....I AM VULNERABLE! I need to feel accepted, I need to feel cared about and enjoyed for who I am. I always try my best and I need someone to see that in me. I put myself out there, I will go 90%, but I need to know someone is at least going to come 10% and let me know they appreciate me : )

I get so emotional when I am submissive. I have so much locked inside me and when I feel accepted I just want to open the flood gates and let it all out. Someday I hope I can really do that and have someone there to hold me and listen and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know I would walk away stronger, I just have to have that one person who isn't going to make me regret it. I don't ever want to not trust myself and my judgement again. I don't want to feel like I am not good enough for someone. I don't ever want to feel less than someone, I want someone who really sees my submission and trust as a gift. ( And a Man just like that is in my life now.) He doesn't always understand but he listens and reacts in loving ways!

All anyone ever wants, even non-conformists like me, is to be accepted for who we are.

C. Wilde

Words of Love.....ahhhhh!

These are a few comments from the Man/Dom:

You are so beautiful in the morning sun!

You make me so happy!

You make me want to be better!

....and I am sure so many more, as he tells me I am beautiful all the time :)

Texts:

Yeah I do. I love u romantically and friendly

I really do love u baby

I miss u constantly

Oh I do. And how i love thee, let me count the ways

I love u my beautiful baby girl

I do love when you call me that. (SIR) Ur cute. Like a horny little carebear.

Sorry. U are my baby and I don't want u to go anywhere my love

U really are the best thing to happen to me in years

Hey baby. So I guess ur off the grid and i miss u. I realized how much i need u today. I got depressed from not being able to talk to u. I felt empty. Anyway i love u. night baby.

I mean it. U make me happier and more complete than ever before

U are my precious baby girl who i love with all my heart

Like when u touch me it makes my heart flutter and happy

Hey baby have a great day at work. U are beautiful and the love of my life. I love my precious baby girl

I just love u and wanted u to know again

Yay i have missed you all day my love

I wouldn't have it any other way. U can always come to me my precious baby girl

Goodnight my precious baby girl. My love of my life

Well u are mine and only mine. And I love u so u are obviously my love

U are so sweet my little baby girl. U truely make me happy my love

I know you are my love. Thats why i like to bite so much (he said I was sweet and I agreed)

Good. I love u baby. I will say your submission is an added bonus.

Its fine my love. u are always in my heart.

U are my precious love


Oh, he makes me smile and feel so good!

C.Wilde

Nightmares of Main Street

Not many people know that I suffer from tremendous night terrors. I have can still remember dreams from my childhood years that haunt me. I journal them usually and try to work it out. Normally they aren't too bad and I go right back to sleep, or just snuggle closer to someone or my teddy bear, Cashew. The last really bad one I had was last fall while living in Milbank, but after that one it has been pretty minute.

Last night I had a bad one, as usual, I know I am dreaming and I am just trying to wake myself up before it gets too scary. I try so hard to wake up all the time! Anyway here is an account of last nights dream:

I awoke held down to my bed by an unseen force. Words appeared on the wall over my closet--I Know Who You Are. I prayed in my dream to be released. The words started to run down the walls like blood. When the energy holding me down let go, I ran to my roommates room to wake him. I was out of breathe and couldn't explain what was going on. I was crying and he laughed at me. I saw someone walk into my room from the corner of my eye and I yelled and went after them. I ran toward the door, but found myself in a dark fetish club. Slave boys were serving drinks in leather harnesses and a mean looking Mistress dressed in rubber was behind the bar. I was dizzy. I couldn't get my barings. Then I saw my friend Kye coming toward me. She had a drink in one hand. She ran into a table and spilt her drink. She was cursing when I saw the Mistress come from behind the bar in a flash, struggling with Kye to get the glass from her. I stepped in to help Kye, she was crying and yelling. The Mistress glared at me. My hand brushed across her black rubber skirt and suddenly I became elated with eroticism. I smiled. I was happy and forgot everything going on around me.

The next thing I knew, Kye and I were sitting on a rocky hill with others, drinking. The steep hill looked over a dark gravel road. We slid down the hill side trying to get away from something. We were walking along the gravel road, when a blond man and a darker man came from the shadows. Suddenly Kye was gone and I was alone. I yelled and struggled and tried to run. My purse was ripped from my arm. The blonde man was burning me hand with his cigarette to get me to tell him something. He made references to the words on my wall and that I would suffer. The dark man held me down and was choking me. I struggled and passed out, knowing the entire time I was dreaming. I searched to find my way to the waking world--Finally I work up 45minutes after I had layed down. I was choking and couldn't catch my breath and began to cry as soon as I could.


---I really woke up scared. I texted my friend Kye to see if she was okay. I texted my Dom to get some sort of peace because I coudn't stop crying and I didn't want to go to sleep again.

I did eventually fall asleep and all is fine. I just needed to share, I don't know what it all means.

C.Wilde

EPIC AMAZINGNESS COVERED IN AWESOME SAUCE

Well if the title of this post doesn't say it all......let me add one more clue....PUDDLES!

This last weekend was our 1st Annual, Kamping with Kye, get together. I was so excited to see my hunny, my Dom :) We had a quiet night in on Friday. He is so attentive and affectionate, I melt near him. However, the heat really started to rise on Saturday. He woke me in the morning with a good romp. We got our things together for our first overnight trip. We talked on the way. Nothing felt forced and it was great. We went set up camp and went swimming until others started to arrive. In all there were 7 of us. Myself and him, Kye of course, Wren and his girls S & R and Malignus. We cooked and had a few social drinks. As the sun went down our kink level went up!!!

I gave into my sub side and allowed myself to be handled in the way my Dom felt appropriate and he made sure that I was taken care of in everyway. I was played with, spanked, knifed, and in general treated like I was His. He allowed me to be Dom over others and even told me that watching me work on someone else turned him on. **BIG SMILES**

We had sex in our tent before bed and he made me puddle so hard!! We walked away from the experience with better communication and a larger emotional connection. And Sunday when we got home, we made love non-stop as the weekend had us so worked up. We couldn't get enough of eachother and I have never felt that way!

He continues to send me the sweetest, most romantic texts and has even agreed to see me this weekend, even though he has to work. He does so many little things that make me happy, most of all is showing me how much he cares, no matter who is around.

**starry eyed and head over heels**

C. Wilde

Anticipation

I am counting the minutes until I am in his arms again. Amazing how feelings can change when you open your heart. I have spent more time trying to push him away for fear of rushing and now I am excited to see him. He is so sweet via text eachday.

He is the Dom in our relationship most of the time. He allows me my space to be Dom when I need it and he doesn't cower from my temper. When I submit, I feel safe. I feel cared for in general. He made a confession that we don't scene as often as I might like, because when he gets around me sometimes his uber Dom tendencies fall away and he just wants to be near me. I understand that from my years of Dom experience. I think when he comes into his own, he will be an even more amazing Dom.

I am so excited!


C. Wilde

Trust

I was asked very politely last evening "to just trust me to take care of you." He calls me "his love", "his baby" and so many other sweet things. He is the first person I haven't hid anything from, I figure at this point in my life, I am who I am and I would rather be rejected early on, than hide something and be hurt later. He has taken it all in stride and mostly with a cool calm smile. Obvioiusly, I have trusted him with more that most people get out of me and he is still around. He doesn't ask me to change but makes me want to be better. I don't ask him to change and yet he makes delightful changes that make me smile. He knows I am a bit crazy and emotional and he says "I love you and I know that I can't just pick and choose the pieces of you I want." ---is he for real??? I am worried I am going to wake up from this nice dream. He is sweet, He can be romantic, He is smart, He is hilarious and He likes me for me.

But trust, to just let go of my past hurts and give into the comfort of his embrace is hard. I want to just melt into what he so freely gives. We have a quiet comfort at times, he is doing one thing and I another and yet we are enjoying that cozy time in the same room. Why is it so hard to just let go and enjoy, to trust that someone will take care of me and look out for me? I admit, I grew up a bit fast and have always had an independant persona to get me through the hard times, I don't think I have ever felt safe enough to put down that sheild and really let someone in to see all that I am. I want to and his gentle coaxing may be working.

Here's to laying down the shield and enjoying the comfort. To being the princess I have always wanted to be and having someone take care of me for awhile.

We are going on a camping trip this weekend.(weather permitting...as the rain has tampered undelightfully with the last two weekends that we had planned.) I am excited for our first overnight trip together. I am excited to see how well we work together in an outdoors situation. But most of all, he told me to leave my Dom panties in the next county and let him take care of me and I am excited and scared to lay it all down and let him be the man. I want to trust him to be good to me, look out for me and bring me pleasure. I hope all goes well!

C. Wilde

Emotionally Distant---am I the pusher or the pushee

Thought: I am overly emotional most of the time and closed off at others. I close off when I don't want to hurt. However, I seem to end up with emotionally distant people. I am starting to think that I confuse them more than I confuse myself. Maybe I am making them emotionally distant. I mean, someone gets too close to fast and I run....that could shut them off. But then when they are emotionally distant, I get irritated and wonder why they don't want to be close to me. Did I hurt them by getting scared and pushing them away and now they are walled off because they don't want to hurt??? Holy is this some sick circular pain like I have read about. We get hurt and hide, everyone??? I am not sure, but it is my theory right now. I need to try hard to stay open emotionally and to communicate no matter what and then maybe others will be able to do the same. At least with honesty, you will know if something is going to work or not with out feeling so confused.

I don't like feeling like someone is only emotionally close when sex is involved. I need emotional closeness for sex to mean anything to me, otherwise it just isn't really worth it. I want someone to touch me gently, listen to me, treat me with respect and so on and so on. But I need that closeness or I get restless, insecure and I start to withdraw from a relationship more and look for someone who will give me the attention I long for. I know that may seem childish, but I long to be important to someone in that way. I wanted to be a Daddy's girl growing up, but I never got that. I never got to be that important girl to someone and I want it, and keep striving for it. I give lots of attention to those I am with and I just want it in return.

GRRRRR.....I have a dirty pirate hooker feeling coming on...watch our Caption Morgan I may be looking to get some attention from you soon if things don't look up.

*smiles*

C. Wilde

Fairytale Fail Boat

I love using my words to analize myself! Relationships of the romantic kind....I ride the fail boat. I want them, I long for them, I work for them and yet subconsciously I sabatage myself. I want the fairytale! I want to be the princess and have a knight in shining armor, a unicorn, a dragon...I want passion and a great story with beautiful memories!!! But guess what this serial monogamist realized......I am scared of commitment! Can you believe that shit?? I have great friendships and can let people get close, I can have meaningless sex and/or sexual encounters, I can scene like a professional Dominatrix and be great without being overly emotional. The thing is I am an emotional person, I need that outlet and I hide it from people or at least try sometimes. I worry so much about getting hurt that I don't live in and enjoy the moment. I enjoy moments with friends or when alone...but I get so emotionally scared I just set myself up for causing problems and taking the trip on the fail boat.

Well, I don't want to ride the fail boat any longer! I want a strong, healthy, happy relationship! I want passion and not to feel like I am losing opportunities to be loved by giving someone all of mine. I want to take my emotional relationship baggage and toss it in the lake as I jump the fail boat. I am only saving myself, not the baggage and in doing so I am saving any potential relationship in my future.

I need to start pulling my weight and I need to stop shutting down emotionally. I have been very honest about my emotional chaos in my new relationship and I am proud of myself. I talk about even the hard stuff and the stuff I don't think he will like hearing. I also need to start holding to agreements and to talk out decisions before making them. I can't continue to live like a single girl if I am not and expect someone to be entirely okay with that. I am so glad I am seeing this in a new light....Thank God for opening my eyes finally.

On another note....I have great friends! I was having a bad day and had to take a pregnancy test (negative thank goodness). They threw me a "we love C." party. We ate chicken alfredo that J made. We had balloons and party favors, beads and I had a light up tiara! We sang karaoke and had a blast. They know how to cheer me up and make me feel loved when I need it!

Thank you all!!

C. Wilde

***FYI for our readers****

J and I (C) are very busy social people. We stay connected with friends and family on facebook and, well I keep up with friends on fetlife as well. We will take times were there is just nothing that is making us feel like writing. J is currently working on his novella, so that is his writing outlet for the time being. I (C), however, have tons on my mind and may be taking over this blogspot for awhile. To those of you who love J, he will be back eventually and sorry to put you through my ramblings. To those who love me (C), well buckle up and enjoy the ride!


C. Wilde

When it rains, it pours.....It's raining men...dear God

OMG...WTF!? Well, my divorce from husband #2 is final. I am in mourning a bit. I am confused to who I am truly as a single woman. I am a serial monogamist, I like being in relationships, feeling special, snuggling. I don't, however, want to rush into anything too soon. I don't want to fall into old habits. I don't want to give my all right now because I fear getting nothing back. I fear falling hard, rebounding and being hurt again.

I met someone who treats me like a princess and I love it. We have alot in common and he makes me feel good, he makes me smile, he makes me feel pretty and most of all he calms me when I am chaotic. He is a combination of man and boy, provider and needy, big spoon and little spoon. I like him, I like him alot. I worry about getting into another serious relationship, and walking away a few years older and more hurt. I am 30, I want to settle down, I want that long life love with someone. The kind of love that lets me grow old and loved, where I can imagine sitting on my front porch in the evening holding the wrinkled hand of my husband 50 years from now. I want that, I want someone to love me that much to want that with me, but the more time I spend with one person, the less opportunities I have to find that person and yet what if this is the right person ....I want to give it enough time. And now that I am seeing someone I am meeting all kinds of men interested in me....them again they are probably only interested in one thing...grrr! Catch 21 if I ever had one!!!

I got a job. I will get my bills caught up. I applied to go to college at SDSU, possibly get my teaching degree so I can teach art or maybe just take classes for the fun of learning....I am such a nerd.

Well, that is life and on this rainy day in June...when it rains, it pours.

C. Wilde