I am enjoying the last 7 days of feeling our baby kick inside me. I can't wait to hold her next monday!!!
Today is our first Valentine's Day together and I look forward to many many more.
We have had some issues to deal with lately, but I hope that it all sorts itself out.
C.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A Valentine's Wish....
As our first Valentine's Day approaches, I am excited for Chris' special spaghetti and possibly going to see Gnomeo and Juliet. It will be so cute and romantic. (Our first date was to see "How to train your Dragon" and I love snuggling up to watch animated movies with him! )
However, this Valentine's day I am also wanting a dozen roses. Now this is odd, as I am not a cliche flower type of girl, but I don't want roses for the purposes others might. I don't care if my co-workers or friends see them. I don't want them hanging out in a vase for the next week for me to admire.
I want them for me and me alone. I want to be bound and blindfolded by my lover. I want him to use the roses like paint brushes on my delicate skin. I want to feel the tickle of the petals and smell the fragrance all around me. After I am relaxed and completely in tune with my body I want my lover to then use the dozen roses to flog me, my back and ass. I want to feel the petals rip against my skin. I want to feel them fall around me like rain as the aroma permeates my senses. And then I want my lover to kiss every welt the roses have left on me. : )
Just a thought.
C.
However, this Valentine's day I am also wanting a dozen roses. Now this is odd, as I am not a cliche flower type of girl, but I don't want roses for the purposes others might. I don't care if my co-workers or friends see them. I don't want them hanging out in a vase for the next week for me to admire.
I want them for me and me alone. I want to be bound and blindfolded by my lover. I want him to use the roses like paint brushes on my delicate skin. I want to feel the tickle of the petals and smell the fragrance all around me. After I am relaxed and completely in tune with my body I want my lover to then use the dozen roses to flog me, my back and ass. I want to feel the petals rip against my skin. I want to feel them fall around me like rain as the aroma permeates my senses. And then I want my lover to kiss every welt the roses have left on me. : )
Just a thought.
C.
A new year.....
The new year came and went, it is now February and 26 days until the scheduled c-section arrival of our daughter. We are very excited and have spent much time decorating and arranging the baby room. He built her crib and put everything together.
Last weekend we went to Mnpls to my brother's restaurant and had a romantic evening at Nicolette Island Inn. It was wonderful! We have a great love life.
Somedays I feel so loved! Loved beyond anything I could imagine! Other days I am so down and hard on myself, so negative and pre-occupied with the past. I still judge myself the ways others have judged me, I take into account every thing that has been used as a gripe against me and work double hard not to do those things with Chris. But then he will say something or do something that makes me feel like he is looking for a way to judge me not good enough. I break down and internally hide, analyzing everything, what i have done, what I could do better, why he feels this way now.
I am pregnant and terribly insecure! I know he looks at other women and I am glad he is at least honest about it. I don't look at other people, I don't want anything to do with other people. I am so absolutely monogomous that I don't feel I am the adventurous person he liked in the beginning. And now, his thoughts are of others and being with others. I don't know what to do, but I asked for honesty and got myself into this. I know, and I said I would give him what he wants to be happy, even if it hurts me. The dumb thing is, I know he isn't trying to hurt me. I know I told him in the beginning if he wanted to be with another to not lie and come to me first, and he is. He met the adventurous me that was up for those things, but now with a child on the way and family being on my mind. And knowing how children change things and how my body will change again. I fear his disappointment and disapproval and imprending departure. I know he loves me and wants to be a family, he tells me all the time. But I don't know his plans for the future, he says marriage one day and then the next day comments on another woman and I am torn.
I know I am just being an emotional mess right now! I know my emotions right now are ridiculous and I don't know how to express myself to him without crying or being angry so I try to stay quiet. He tells me he is so happy, that I make him happy, that having a family and future with me make him happy and that he gets stressed from time to time, but never depressed like he used to. I used to feel those ways, but more and more lately I am feeling down, anxious and a bit depressed. Overwhelmed is maybe a better term. I know I asked for Zoloft after the baby is born to try and help, but I feel like I am falling into the black hole I was in before and I keep trying to claw my way up and keep everyone happy.
I don't want to get antsy and dissatisfied in my relationship after the baby is born. I know my post partum depression and lack of relationship communication was our ultimate dimise. I don't want that again! But I feel that in ways I am already not able to keep Chris satisfied and I don't know how to compete. I competed for Compton's affection and lost, badly...with emotional wounds that are still not quite healed.
I think maybe I need to go to church. I mean I pray about this stuff, but I haven't been to church in quite some time, maybe it would help me get thing straight. I know it has in the past.
C.
Last weekend we went to Mnpls to my brother's restaurant and had a romantic evening at Nicolette Island Inn. It was wonderful! We have a great love life.
Somedays I feel so loved! Loved beyond anything I could imagine! Other days I am so down and hard on myself, so negative and pre-occupied with the past. I still judge myself the ways others have judged me, I take into account every thing that has been used as a gripe against me and work double hard not to do those things with Chris. But then he will say something or do something that makes me feel like he is looking for a way to judge me not good enough. I break down and internally hide, analyzing everything, what i have done, what I could do better, why he feels this way now.
I am pregnant and terribly insecure! I know he looks at other women and I am glad he is at least honest about it. I don't look at other people, I don't want anything to do with other people. I am so absolutely monogomous that I don't feel I am the adventurous person he liked in the beginning. And now, his thoughts are of others and being with others. I don't know what to do, but I asked for honesty and got myself into this. I know, and I said I would give him what he wants to be happy, even if it hurts me. The dumb thing is, I know he isn't trying to hurt me. I know I told him in the beginning if he wanted to be with another to not lie and come to me first, and he is. He met the adventurous me that was up for those things, but now with a child on the way and family being on my mind. And knowing how children change things and how my body will change again. I fear his disappointment and disapproval and imprending departure. I know he loves me and wants to be a family, he tells me all the time. But I don't know his plans for the future, he says marriage one day and then the next day comments on another woman and I am torn.
I know I am just being an emotional mess right now! I know my emotions right now are ridiculous and I don't know how to express myself to him without crying or being angry so I try to stay quiet. He tells me he is so happy, that I make him happy, that having a family and future with me make him happy and that he gets stressed from time to time, but never depressed like he used to. I used to feel those ways, but more and more lately I am feeling down, anxious and a bit depressed. Overwhelmed is maybe a better term. I know I asked for Zoloft after the baby is born to try and help, but I feel like I am falling into the black hole I was in before and I keep trying to claw my way up and keep everyone happy.
I don't want to get antsy and dissatisfied in my relationship after the baby is born. I know my post partum depression and lack of relationship communication was our ultimate dimise. I don't want that again! But I feel that in ways I am already not able to keep Chris satisfied and I don't know how to compete. I competed for Compton's affection and lost, badly...with emotional wounds that are still not quite healed.
I think maybe I need to go to church. I mean I pray about this stuff, but I haven't been to church in quite some time, maybe it would help me get thing straight. I know it has in the past.
C.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas Emotions
Well, we enjoyed our first Christmas together. It was wondeful to stay home, snuggle, watch movies, cook, play video games and have lots of intimate time together. It was so nice to just be together : )
The holidays came screaching to a halt the Tuesday before, when my Father had heart attack. All is well now, he was released Christmas day and he and my mom were able to go home and enjoy life together after the close call. It was a blessing to us all!
My loving boyfriend bought be a beautiful black onyx bead set (necklace, bracelet and earrings)...they are lovely! I was so excited to wear them everyday, like a day collar and that added assurance of the weight around my neck made me feel amazing : ) Now today, after wearing them for 3 days straight....and having broke an earring in my sleep last night...I realize, for one, beads are not meant to be worn everyday..they are only held together by a small string or cord and he never said collar, he didn't intend that....I filled in the blank myself to get what I want. I only have myself to blame for disappointment.
Now having said that, our time together this weekend was more than amazing on all levels. We discussed our future in ways that I know he loves me and isn't leaving and we are doing this together, so why do I feel this need for more? I hope it isn't a selfishness in me! He makes me happier than I have been, why is that not enough I wonder...it isn't like an object gives me any more guarantee of our future together than his word....I love him and I need to get past this.
C.
The holidays came screaching to a halt the Tuesday before, when my Father had heart attack. All is well now, he was released Christmas day and he and my mom were able to go home and enjoy life together after the close call. It was a blessing to us all!
My loving boyfriend bought be a beautiful black onyx bead set (necklace, bracelet and earrings)...they are lovely! I was so excited to wear them everyday, like a day collar and that added assurance of the weight around my neck made me feel amazing : ) Now today, after wearing them for 3 days straight....and having broke an earring in my sleep last night...I realize, for one, beads are not meant to be worn everyday..they are only held together by a small string or cord and he never said collar, he didn't intend that....I filled in the blank myself to get what I want. I only have myself to blame for disappointment.
Now having said that, our time together this weekend was more than amazing on all levels. We discussed our future in ways that I know he loves me and isn't leaving and we are doing this together, so why do I feel this need for more? I hope it isn't a selfishness in me! He makes me happier than I have been, why is that not enough I wonder...it isn't like an object gives me any more guarantee of our future together than his word....I love him and I need to get past this.
C.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
That Helpless Feeling....
I turned 31 last friday, and had a wonderful birthday thanks to my magnificent boyfriend!
As the Holiday approaches, my life has haulted. My Dad (step-dad) had a heart attack tonight. My Mom called me in her broken up, yet refusing to cry on the phone voice to tell me. I am worried about him, I am worried about my mom. I feel helpless, she doesn't want me to travel at night, on bad roads while pregnant and I understand. And I am not going to travel at the moment because she doesn't need anything else to worry about. But I want to be there to hold her hand, to cover her up when she finally falls asleep, to take care of her because I love her so much. I pray that everything turns out ok and that Larry can recover fully. I pray that my mom can make it thru this, though I know she is tough. I pray that our family becomes closer after this and we say "I love you" more!
It also sends me into turmoil about my family and how much I love Chris. I want him in my life forever, and this reminded me at how quickly our lives can change. A baby is coming soon and that will be a great change. But life isn't all roses and candy. I worry about never truly being his. I work very hard to see him happy and I hope he is happy with me...especially after the baby comes.
Please Lord, look after my family as a whole, keep them healthy, happy and safe. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
C.
As the Holiday approaches, my life has haulted. My Dad (step-dad) had a heart attack tonight. My Mom called me in her broken up, yet refusing to cry on the phone voice to tell me. I am worried about him, I am worried about my mom. I feel helpless, she doesn't want me to travel at night, on bad roads while pregnant and I understand. And I am not going to travel at the moment because she doesn't need anything else to worry about. But I want to be there to hold her hand, to cover her up when she finally falls asleep, to take care of her because I love her so much. I pray that everything turns out ok and that Larry can recover fully. I pray that my mom can make it thru this, though I know she is tough. I pray that our family becomes closer after this and we say "I love you" more!
It also sends me into turmoil about my family and how much I love Chris. I want him in my life forever, and this reminded me at how quickly our lives can change. A baby is coming soon and that will be a great change. But life isn't all roses and candy. I worry about never truly being his. I work very hard to see him happy and I hope he is happy with me...especially after the baby comes.
Please Lord, look after my family as a whole, keep them healthy, happy and safe. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
C.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Birthday....
Today I turn 31 years old. A year ago today I reunited with J and he convinced me to move to Brookings...and shortly after the new year we started this blog. It is amazing what a year can do, the changes have been miraculous!!! I feel so blessed for the good times and successful for making it through the hard times.
I am having my birthday issues:
I feel like I am coming down with a sinus infection..go figure!
I asked Chris if he was going to come out with me tonight, just to get out...and I got an "I don't know"...I only have one birthday a year and I can't figure out why he wouldn't go out with me.
I don't know if I have any friends to go out with tonight.
I have a co-worker who's birthday is also today, and everyone at work is talking about going out tonight, but no one has invited me or included my birthday in anyway. I guess I just am not fun to them, being pregnant and all. But I am so social, I wish I just had the chance.
Regardless of how this one day goes down, I am sure all will be well.
C.
I am having my birthday issues:
I feel like I am coming down with a sinus infection..go figure!
I asked Chris if he was going to come out with me tonight, just to get out...and I got an "I don't know"...I only have one birthday a year and I can't figure out why he wouldn't go out with me.
I don't know if I have any friends to go out with tonight.
I have a co-worker who's birthday is also today, and everyone at work is talking about going out tonight, but no one has invited me or included my birthday in anyway. I guess I just am not fun to them, being pregnant and all. But I am so social, I wish I just had the chance.
Regardless of how this one day goes down, I am sure all will be well.
C.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A place of our own, a place to call home.
As of Dec. 1, we moved into our own apartment together. Granted he did most of the moving and was very protective about me doing too much while pregnant : ) We have started to put things away, buy what we need and I look forward to hanging pictures on the walls and setting up the baby's room. We are easing into our "playing house" life. He takes care of bills, I just give him my money. I try to cook and keep things clean, though he helps. Our sex life is really good, life in general is good.
I am more tired all the time and feel like we hardly see eachother, but we make the most of what we get. He is almost done with classes for this semester and then one semester is left before graduation. I worry about what could happen after graduation, him getting a job out of town and not being around is frightening!!!
Christmas is just around the corner and I long more than ever for an engagement ring or some tangible symbol of his commitment...how dumb is that...we live together, he is wonderful and tells me he loves me everyday and I want more...that just sounds selfish. I get a little tingle of jealousy when I realize our daughter will have his name before I will. Sometimes I think maybe she is the only reason he is around, which is great in it's own right, but makes her more important to me right out the gate. She is worth it, but I am not. I know it is just crazy thoughts. I long for him to understand all my dynamics...my need for submission to him, my need for his love and approval, his support in my indepenence and strength...but I want to be his wife, his forever! And I just want the ring now...I can wait for the wedding : )
I think I get more frustrated when i know he bought an ex jewelry from Zales...and I know I am his longest most committed relationship...so what did she do to diserve that show of desire that I haven't...or was it just a manly ploy to try to get more from her...well she was also the one he cheated on...so I guess I will go without the jewelry if it means no cheating....ugh!
I am sure it will all be fine...I am just frustrated and wanting.
C.W.
I am more tired all the time and feel like we hardly see eachother, but we make the most of what we get. He is almost done with classes for this semester and then one semester is left before graduation. I worry about what could happen after graduation, him getting a job out of town and not being around is frightening!!!
Christmas is just around the corner and I long more than ever for an engagement ring or some tangible symbol of his commitment...how dumb is that...we live together, he is wonderful and tells me he loves me everyday and I want more...that just sounds selfish. I get a little tingle of jealousy when I realize our daughter will have his name before I will. Sometimes I think maybe she is the only reason he is around, which is great in it's own right, but makes her more important to me right out the gate. She is worth it, but I am not. I know it is just crazy thoughts. I long for him to understand all my dynamics...my need for submission to him, my need for his love and approval, his support in my indepenence and strength...but I want to be his wife, his forever! And I just want the ring now...I can wait for the wedding : )
I think I get more frustrated when i know he bought an ex jewelry from Zales...and I know I am his longest most committed relationship...so what did she do to diserve that show of desire that I haven't...or was it just a manly ploy to try to get more from her...well she was also the one he cheated on...so I guess I will go without the jewelry if it means no cheating....ugh!
I am sure it will all be fine...I am just frustrated and wanting.
C.W.
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