A new year.....

The new year came and went, it is now February and 26 days until the scheduled c-section arrival of our daughter. We are very excited and have spent much time decorating and arranging the baby room. He built her crib and put everything together.

Last weekend we went to Mnpls to my brother's restaurant and had a romantic evening at Nicolette Island Inn. It was wonderful! We have a great love life.

Somedays I feel so loved! Loved beyond anything I could imagine! Other days I am so down and hard on myself, so negative and pre-occupied with the past. I still judge myself the ways others have judged me, I take into account every thing that has been used as a gripe against me and work double hard not to do those things with Chris. But then he will say something or do something that makes me feel like he is looking for a way to judge me not good enough. I break down and internally hide, analyzing everything, what i have done, what I could do better, why he feels this way now.

I am pregnant and terribly insecure! I know he looks at other women and I am glad he is at least honest about it. I don't look at other people, I don't want anything to do with other people. I am so absolutely monogomous that I don't feel I am the adventurous person he liked in the beginning. And now, his thoughts are of others and being with others. I don't know what to do, but I asked for honesty and got myself into this. I know, and I said I would give him what he wants to be happy, even if it hurts me. The dumb thing is, I know he isn't trying to hurt me. I know I told him in the beginning if he wanted to be with another to not lie and come to me first, and he is. He met the adventurous me that was up for those things, but now with a child on the way and family being on my mind. And knowing how children change things and how my body will change again. I fear his disappointment and disapproval and imprending departure. I know he loves me and wants to be a family, he tells me all the time. But I don't know his plans for the future, he says marriage one day and then the next day comments on another woman and I am torn.

I know I am just being an emotional mess right now! I know my emotions right now are ridiculous and I don't know how to express myself to him without crying or being angry so I try to stay quiet. He tells me he is so happy, that I make him happy, that having a family and future with me make him happy and that he gets stressed from time to time, but never depressed like he used to. I used to feel those ways, but more and more lately I am feeling down, anxious and a bit depressed. Overwhelmed is maybe a better term. I know I asked for Zoloft after the baby is born to try and help, but I feel like I am falling into the black hole I was in before and I keep trying to claw my way up and keep everyone happy.

I don't want to get antsy and dissatisfied in my relationship after the baby is born. I know my post partum depression and lack of relationship communication was our ultimate dimise. I don't want that again! But I feel that in ways I am already not able to keep Chris satisfied and I don't know how to compete. I competed for Compton's affection and lost, badly...with emotional wounds that are still not quite healed.

I think maybe I need to go to church. I mean I pray about this stuff, but I haven't been to church in quite some time, maybe it would help me get thing straight. I know it has in the past.

C.