Age....a feeling, a number, a state of being

Lately my mind has been on age, my age, how old I feel. Growing up I always ran with the older crowd, I was more adult that child. I have always gotten along with those older than me, but suddenly I feel I shift. I am finding more friends younger than me. I don't feel 30. I mean, if I add up all I have done in my life, I know I am 30. I am not as wild as my teens and twenties, but I am not in the settle down at home phase either. I want to travel, socialize, have adventures and yet I want a home, my family, stability. Is there a balance when I feel like a big kid trying to live an adult life sometimes. I know I can handle life, I can be responsible, but it is so wonderful to curl up in my man's arms and feel safe, feel like I don't have to worry even for a little bit.

But now with this unexpected pregnancy, I do worry. About being alone again, about being a single parent, about being responsible enough for a child, being a good parent, still getting things I want in life....career, home, etc.

It is like I woke up one morning and realized my reality was nothing I had thought or dreamed. I never thought I would be a 30 year old woman, post 2 divorces, with 2 children and one on the way, in a dating relationship with no committment for sure from his side. Where did I get off track? I went to Europe, I got married, I had kids.....I didn't go to grad school as I wanted and without the support of my then husband a lot changed for me. I started working even harder to be someone I wasn't, to make others happy. That was a big step off track, I shouldn't have settled so easy.....life has so many lessons, I know I have to keep learning or else I die.

I just don't feel old and yet I don't feel young. I feel confused.

C.W.

Crying over Coffee

Dear Coffee,

You have been with me so many times, helping me to open my eyes some mornings, or just helping me to relax others. I appreciate all your flavours and smells. A day just doesn't seem complete without you. I enjoy you in all your fashions, black, with cream, cream and sugar, latte, breve.....oh you just make my day.

I hate to inform you that now that I am pregnant and morning sickness has set in that I can no longer find enjoyment in your delights. I have to cut down on my caffiene intake, but it isn't just that. The smell of your grounds upsets my stomache and I find your flavor too rich for my palette. I am hoping that this small break in our relationship ship can end in 7 more weeks and I can slowly begin to mend our relationship.

Until then be well my dear friend, this isn't you, it is me and I am sorry!

C.W.

Weepy Emotions and Morning Sickness

If I thought the breast tenderness and bloating were bad, oh no...I forgot how bad morning/afternoon/night sickness was. I can't hardly sleep at night, because I can't get comfortable. I have to get up at least once to pee and then I struggle to sleep again. BLAH!

Chris has been very helpful and attentive! He kisses my tummy and makes me flutter. Our sex life is amazing, who knew it could get better?! I mean he is such a generous lover and so attentive to my needs :) I can't believe it. Too good to be true?? Time will tell. I don't want him to know how awful I feel, so I try not to complain too much, I go to bed early and let him play games. I try to do everything like normal. I know I shouldn't hide it, as I would rather know if he can handle it....love me for me, no matter what and see if he is in for the long haul....if I sugar coat it, I may never know the truth. And I want him with me for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I am still preparing myself to do this alone, I appreciate him so much, I am not pushing him away, just not depending on him just in case.

Dr. appt today and he is attending with me. I am not sure how either of us will feel when we actually hear a heart beat.....I am so weepy already today....goodness sakes, womanhood is just silly sometimes!

C.W.

Bird is the word......Stork

The Dr. called today with the results from my ultrasound last week. They now believe I am 5 weeks and 6 days along today. I am having another ultrasound this Thursday to double check my uterus for past issues and hopefully get a heartbeat on the embryo/fetus. That puts my approximate due date out to March 6, 2011. Now I have a lot of time left....I just went from having the first trimester almost over to realizing I could still find myself in the morning sickness part starting anytime now...ugh! I feel a little better as I now know I can officially say I was divorced and with Chris exclusively at the time of conception. I can also say I concieved thru a great passion and love that we have for eachother and hasn't dwindled even after the news. He is being as active as he can and may come to my next ultrasound appt. with me. I also can feel better about knowing I only drank half as much as if I had been 10 weeks along:) And I know that my cycle is officially screwed up for me to get pregnant the end of may/beginning of june, when on my calendar I should have been having my period....not ovulating!

Well, one more day to let it sink in. Being earlier also gives me more time to wait in area for a possible miscarriage. What happens, happens I guess.

C.W.

Caught in a Landslide...

Yah know, I thought for the most part that my life and drama were settling down. OH NO!!! It was confirmed today that I am pregnant. They thought I was 10 weeks along in reference to my last period, but since I had a negative test in June they aren't sure. They couldn't hear a heart beat yet, so I have an ultrasound tomorrow to figure out how far along I am and when I am due. For now, my due date is January 30, 2011, but it will more than likely be in February instead.

The more I think about it, regardless of how I feel about the situation and myself right now, I think I will keep it if I don't miscarry. And I am hoping for a girl a little bit.

Utterly Shocked,

C.W.

Dr. Appt. Tomorrow

Well, I see a OB/GYN tomorrow. I will know more about how far along I really am. Abortions aren't done after 12 weeks unless for medical purpose. I don't think that is what I want, but I feel that is what the father wants. I am not sure if I am pushing him away or if he is distancing himself from me right now. I know we are both stressed. He still says he loves me and isn't going to give up on our relationship because of this, but that there are no guarantees for the future. I am aware of that. I think no matter what, this will change our relationship forever. If I don't feel supported, I won't be able to respect him as a man. I mean, I do respect him....he has been more than amazing at this point. We talk out every situation like adults for the most part. He is sweet and tender with me, and rough when it is called for *wink*

I know he is concerned with my health and what will happen to me, baby, miscarriage...anything. I don't want to have an abortion, but if that is how it goes the emotional repercussions could kills me and our relationship. As could a screaming child. There is no guarantee. Luckily I have great friends who will be there for me no matter what. NO matter what I choose or don't choose they will hold me. IF he decides he doesn't want me, they will still be there.

Prayers are needed.

C. W.

When life gives you lemons, pray you have tequila

Well, Happy July 4th. I found out on July 2nd that I was pregnant. I am recently officially divorced. Only been single for a year, a month officially. I have been seeing my boyfriend for only 3 1/2 months. He is 25 and finishing his last year of college. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage I don't see as often as I would like. I don't have a stable home or job and look what I get. I mean, yes I should have been more careful. Yes, I should have made different choices. I fall in love and give it up too easy. I mean, he is amazing. He is freaking out, as he should be. I think he is trying to not think about it in hopes it will go away. I could miscarry, but I don't think abortion is for me. We aren't telling our parents yet, or at least he isn't. I don't want to do this alone so I am telling family and friends, I need support. I don't think he will propose and make an honest woman of me, but I don't think he will leave me high and dry. I am not asking anything of him. I mean what can I ask. I just don't want to do it alone, I don't want his money or anything. I just want to be loved.

OH....and I haven't been healthy this summer, drinking beer, not eating wise. No vitamins. And I am about 10 weeks along. I will know more after my Dr. appt thursday. I have to fill out all kinds of social services paperwork and such. Men really do have it easy, married or not.

Oh well, cheers!

C. Wilde

***Time to take the Wilde out of my life before it gets me in anymore trouble.

Thoughts of weddings

It is the time of year where wedding bells are ringing every weekend. In fact I have 2 weddings to attend this summer. In helping friends and doing girly wedding stuff with them, I realize that though I have been married twice, I never had the wedding I wanted.



Wedding 1: I liked my dress, the cake flavor, and the bridesmaid dresses. It was at a Methodist church, 250+ guests, I couldn't afford real flowers, I did most of the work myself, there was a waterfall of red liquid under my cake....bleeding isn't supposed to happen at weddings right? Our colors were red, black, silver. I had fake red roses and stephanotis. I had cake with raspberry filling. It was a good day, but not exactly what I wanted



Wedding 2: 15 minutes in a court house. I didn't get a new dress. I did have a pink rose and a stargazer lily.



What I want:
I want a outdoor wedding. On a glacier or by a lake in a national park. I want something small and intimate. I want fresh flowers, a long gauzey dress, a small cake and just a romantic day.
No bells or whistles, just love and laughter.