Age....a feeling, a number, a state of being

Lately my mind has been on age, my age, how old I feel. Growing up I always ran with the older crowd, I was more adult that child. I have always gotten along with those older than me, but suddenly I feel I shift. I am finding more friends younger than me. I don't feel 30. I mean, if I add up all I have done in my life, I know I am 30. I am not as wild as my teens and twenties, but I am not in the settle down at home phase either. I want to travel, socialize, have adventures and yet I want a home, my family, stability. Is there a balance when I feel like a big kid trying to live an adult life sometimes. I know I can handle life, I can be responsible, but it is so wonderful to curl up in my man's arms and feel safe, feel like I don't have to worry even for a little bit.

But now with this unexpected pregnancy, I do worry. About being alone again, about being a single parent, about being responsible enough for a child, being a good parent, still getting things I want in life....career, home, etc.

It is like I woke up one morning and realized my reality was nothing I had thought or dreamed. I never thought I would be a 30 year old woman, post 2 divorces, with 2 children and one on the way, in a dating relationship with no committment for sure from his side. Where did I get off track? I went to Europe, I got married, I had kids.....I didn't go to grad school as I wanted and without the support of my then husband a lot changed for me. I started working even harder to be someone I wasn't, to make others happy. That was a big step off track, I shouldn't have settled so easy.....life has so many lessons, I know I have to keep learning or else I die.

I just don't feel old and yet I don't feel young. I feel confused.

C.W.