Christmas Emotions

Well, we enjoyed our first Christmas together. It was wondeful to stay home, snuggle, watch movies, cook, play video games and have lots of intimate time together. It was so nice to just be together : )

The holidays came screaching to a halt the Tuesday before, when my Father had heart attack. All is well now, he was released Christmas day and he and my mom were able to go home and enjoy life together after the close call. It was a blessing to us all!


My loving boyfriend bought be a beautiful black onyx bead set (necklace, bracelet and earrings)...they are lovely! I was so excited to wear them everyday, like a day collar and that added assurance of the weight around my neck made me feel amazing : ) Now today, after wearing them for 3 days straight....and having broke an earring in my sleep last night...I realize, for one, beads are not meant to be worn everyday..they are only held together by a small string or cord and he never said collar, he didn't intend that....I filled in the blank myself to get what I want. I only have myself to blame for disappointment.

Now having said that, our time together this weekend was more than amazing on all levels. We discussed our future in ways that I know he loves me and isn't leaving and we are doing this together, so why do I feel this need for more? I hope it isn't a selfishness in me! He makes me happier than I have been, why is that not enough I wonder...it isn't like an object gives me any more guarantee of our future together than his word....I love him and I need to get past this.

C.

That Helpless Feeling....

I turned 31 last friday, and had a wonderful birthday thanks to my magnificent boyfriend!

As the Holiday approaches, my life has haulted. My Dad (step-dad) had a heart attack tonight. My Mom called me in her broken up, yet refusing to cry on the phone voice to tell me. I am worried about him, I am worried about my mom. I feel helpless, she doesn't want me to travel at night, on bad roads while pregnant and I understand. And I am not going to travel at the moment because she doesn't need anything else to worry about. But I want to be there to hold her hand, to cover her up when she finally falls asleep, to take care of her because I love her so much. I pray that everything turns out ok and that Larry can recover fully. I pray that my mom can make it thru this, though I know she is tough. I pray that our family becomes closer after this and we say "I love you" more!

It also sends me into turmoil about my family and how much I love Chris. I want him in my life forever, and this reminded me at how quickly our lives can change. A baby is coming soon and that will be a great change. But life isn't all roses and candy. I worry about never truly being his. I work very hard to see him happy and I hope he is happy with me...especially after the baby comes.

Please Lord, look after my family as a whole, keep them healthy, happy and safe. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

C.

Birthday....

Today I turn 31 years old. A year ago today I reunited with J and he convinced me to move to Brookings...and shortly after the new year we started this blog. It is amazing what a year can do, the changes have been miraculous!!! I feel so blessed for the good times and successful for making it through the hard times.

I am having my birthday issues:

I feel like I am coming down with a sinus infection..go figure!

I asked Chris if he was going to come out with me tonight, just to get out...and I got an "I don't know"...I only have one birthday a year and I can't figure out why he wouldn't go out with me.

I don't know if I have any friends to go out with tonight.

I have a co-worker who's birthday is also today, and everyone at work is talking about going out tonight, but no one has invited me or included my birthday in anyway. I guess I just am not fun to them, being pregnant and all. But I am so social, I wish I just had the chance.

Regardless of how this one day goes down, I am sure all will be well.

C.

A place of our own, a place to call home.

As of Dec. 1, we moved into our own apartment together. Granted he did most of the moving and was very protective about me doing too much while pregnant : ) We have started to put things away, buy what we need and I look forward to hanging pictures on the walls and setting up the baby's room. We are easing into our "playing house" life. He takes care of bills, I just give him my money. I try to cook and keep things clean, though he helps. Our sex life is really good, life in general is good.

I am more tired all the time and feel like we hardly see eachother, but we make the most of what we get. He is almost done with classes for this semester and then one semester is left before graduation. I worry about what could happen after graduation, him getting a job out of town and not being around is frightening!!!

Christmas is just around the corner and I long more than ever for an engagement ring or some tangible symbol of his commitment...how dumb is that...we live together, he is wonderful and tells me he loves me everyday and I want more...that just sounds selfish. I get a little tingle of jealousy when I realize our daughter will have his name before I will. Sometimes I think maybe she is the only reason he is around, which is great in it's own right, but makes her more important to me right out the gate. She is worth it, but I am not. I know it is just crazy thoughts. I long for him to understand all my dynamics...my need for submission to him, my need for his love and approval, his support in my indepenence and strength...but I want to be his wife, his forever! And I just want the ring now...I can wait for the wedding : )

I think I get more frustrated when i know he bought an ex jewelry from Zales...and I know I am his longest most committed relationship...so what did she do to diserve that show of desire that I haven't...or was it just a manly ploy to try to get more from her...well she was also the one he cheated on...so I guess I will go without the jewelry if it means no cheating....ugh!

I am sure it will all be fine...I am just frustrated and wanting.

C.W.