Sometimes you zig, sometimes you zag.....

Sometimes you ying, sometimes you yang......

Opposites attract....yes, but there needs to be enough similars to keep it balanced. Chris and I are very opposite. He is a cancer, I am sagittarius. I am social, he likes to stay home. I am emotional, he is pretty laid back and blahzay most of the time. I talk and get it out, he holds things in. I get frustrated sometimes because I can't read him and my emotional side wants him to be romantic, helpful, dedicated and a little emotional. I want to hear, " I love you". "I need you". " I am so happy with you." He may be happy, but it comes off content and complacent, more he could take it or leave it....not the " I don't want to be without you" that I feel for him.

I am sure I am just getting comfortable and starting to rely on him.....dare I say co-dependant tendancies are hitting. I mean, I am relaxed with him and happy. But I want to do more together. I love taking walks together....hey we have that in common. We both like the outdoors, camping, hiking, cooking. I read while he plays video games....I guess I need to get a few new books to read...maybe that would cure my boredom......

Boredom, I am getting bored and feeling couped up. I am pregnant, i don't go out and do things like I used to and I am realizing that it is going to be that way for awhile. I know I want a ring....even though he says "no relationship has a guarantee" I mean, I have been divorced twice, I agree.....but if you are only half committed or less it is much easier to walk away when shit gets tough.

He isn't excited about the baby and is stressed about everything...money, school, a job in the spring, a new apt. I mean I am stressed too, but I figure if we communicate and do it together it has to work to our advantage...and yet I feel like I am doing it alone.

Here is to love and learning about love. Love is a choice and I choose to love him even when I am frustrated :)

C.W.

Little Frustrations

Well we have lived together for a few weeks now. Nothing has really changed and yet everything has changed. He goes to class, I go to work. We share cleaning and cooking. We snuggle and watch a movie almost every night. He still plays video games and I try to sleep. HOWEVER.....we hardly go out anymore, he doesn't do romantic things like he used to, he seems less in the mood (now that my libido is back) and I am more bored by the video games. Now I try not to complain, but inside I am frustrated. He has the right to play his games, he keeps his school work done and he does make time for me. I think I am more bored because I get headaches really easy now, so I haven't been reading like I used to.

I really enjoy our walks togehter, as that is when he seems to communicate with me the most and it is healthy for us :) I am still often frustrated by his lack of outward show of commitement, and I guess I see his point. He is with me and I live with him = he is commited. Though to me I still question if it is more obligation to him?? I hope not, but I am sure it is part of it. I just wish I had something...a day collar, a ring, anything. He talks about our future together and then when I say I don't ever want him to leave, I get "I'll do my best".....I just don't know exactly what that means.

Oh well, I try to make the most of each day, whether I am bored or not. This is my last pregnancy and even the hard times I try to enjoy. I have a Dr. appt this week and will be happy to put my mind at ease a bit after hearing the heart beat again, and then in the next week or so I should have some serious movement going on and that will help me to feel better.

I worry about work and finding an apartment. Please Lord, provide what we need.

C.W.

New living arrangement

As of yesterday, we live together. I moved most of my stuff into storage. J. Wilde...my ex-roommate and co-founder of this blog is taking a different journey as well. He stayed in our apartment and his current boyfriend is moving in. It is a big deal. The first time he has lived with a significant other. They are both attending college and though his boy is 5 years younger than him, they think they are going to play house and make it work. I can attest to the fact that they fight like and old married couple, so I wish them the best. And they have now taken on the parenting of a kitten, named River and a beta fish.

I also took another direction. After my last year or so of hell and chaos. My ideas that I would live alone.....well now that I am pregnant, things have changed. I now officially live with Chris. We moved the rest of my stuff in yesterday. Nothing has really changed from when I was staying here. We share cooking and cleaning responsibilities. He is very attentive to my needs. I sleep alot, so he still gets time to play video games, which he enjoys. I enjoy going on walks together in the evenings and just cuddling on the couch while we watch a movie.

The plan is for us to live in his place....We live in the basement of a house and have our own living room, bathroom, kitchen, dining area and bedroom and then 3 college boys live upstairs with the same. We plan to be here until the new semester and then move to a place that is completely our own before the baby comes. I started a savings account, beings I am no longer paying rent, I hope to put money away for spring. I have only car insurance, phone, storage rent and food to pay for now. I also need to take care of a few outstanding bills so that I am caught up.

I am most fearful that my work situation will be coming to an end soon and I worry that it will tkae me time to find work again. I can't afford it as I have things to pay and I want to get money put away. I also worry about how long I will be able to work during this pregnancy. I wanted to go back to school, but I think I am behind in my student loans right now and I just don't know if I have the time.

I am excited to go see my kids next weekend and see how things work for Chris and I. I am used to it being chaotic before or after a visit with the kids, that is how Compton made it. There was always a fight before I left or when I got back, and shit would hit the fan while I was away. That was when he would cheat on me. I know Chris isn't like that , and these trips are good, not just to see the boys, but also for me to build trust in Chris and our relationship.

I have been weepy this morning. I think I am nervous about having lunch with Chris' mom today. He told her I was prego. I saw her twice, knowing I was and not saying anything and it makes me feel guilty of lying. Also, he told her not to tell anyone as I could miscarry before 20 weeks. We are at week 14 now.....and I am showing, not alot, but it is noticable. I popped out hard. I can't keep it covered and it makes me nervous around his family and friends that don't know. I don't want to be an embarrassment to him. I worry about him being questioned, so I try to walk behind him in public and not make eye contact with people. I don't know if he is really excited at all about this, I know he cares about me, but I think this pregnancy is more than he wanted. I still am unsure if he is hoping for a miscarriage or what he thinks about.

Oh well, I have to suck it up and go to lunch with is mom, I am sure it will be fine as long as I don't start crying over something.

Wish me luck
C. W.

Feeling Undesirable

I have been here before. This is my 3rd pregnancy. I know I get hormonal and I have dealth with post partum depression in the past. I don't ever think I felt the ways I feel now though. I was married and felt stable and though I may have been stress(I know I was stressed) I didn't feel so uncertain.

I know I am nervous about my commitment to Chris, I have stated that before. I feel committed and I feel he could walk at anytime. It makes me crazy thinking about it. I want to give in and do it together, but a voice in my head tells me not to be to sure. I set up plans with him and then try to have back up plans in my head just incase and it sucks!

Nothing fits right and I don't have money to buy new clothes, nor do I really want to right now. I am looking for a new job and I feel unhirable, even though I am a great employee and have many wonderful skills. I just feel the stereotype when people look at me, I know I am paranoid about it, but I feel it. People see my belly and no ring on my finger....the typical, welfare mom. I go to a job interview, they see my resume and then my tummy....they don't want to hire someone who is going to go on maternity leave in 6 months. I am a big girl and I know people look at my tummy and just think I am fat. These thoughts crush me.

Also, my cute panties don't fit. I get headaches and feel nauseous more than I would like. I am tired. I feel like I am not doing my "wifely" duties in the bedroom, even though I am not his wife. I want to keep him happy, because I constantly worry about not being enough and having another person I love walk away. Also, my usually high as a kite libido is on the low slope. It takes awhile to kick in. I mean I have the desire, but it takes a long time for my body to catch up with my mind. My parts aren't working like normal and it is frustrating. I need alot more warm up time, to relax and get into it and then I need lots more emotional connection as well. I feel like my needs are a burden. Maybe he doesn't want to initiate anything because he realizes he could get himself of in 1/16 of the time it is going to take to get me involved. I feel so undesirable.

I love when he rubs my back, or my hair. But overall, I just feel like a burden in everyway....financially, emotionally, personally. I don't know what to do to change the way I feel or what I need to get out of this slump. I just keep keepin on to the best of my ability. I cry when it gets to be too much and keep going.

C.W.

A month of reflection....

I realize that I sort of went off the radar for the month of August. I had a lot of emotions, weepy, crazy hormonal stuff. Morning sickness was a BITCH...to say the least. I started sleeping better and now it is worse again. Chris has moved home again, and started his last year of college this week. We decided I would move my stuff into storage and a few things in to his place for this first semester and then we would look for a place of our own for spring semester before the baby comes. He has attended all my Dr. appts with me and we heard the heart beat last week....160bpm....healthy....and I am still hoping for a girl.

Josh spoke to the boys, Rand and Rune about me being pregnant. They are excited and I can't wait to see them next weekend :) Rand started first grade this week and Rune is so excited for kindergarten next year!

I have been so nervous lately. Nervous about moving in with Chris, I don't want to be left again and that is my biggest fear. I want a diamond ring and a commitment, even if it ends up being the longest engagement in history....I just want a little piece of solidarity. But then again....it is just an item and it can always be taken back, someone can leave at anytime, that is life. I try to enjoy what I have everyday!

For the most part our relationship is simple. I do me, he does him. We just do what needs to be done. I do dishes, he does dishes, we both cook, we both clean. I don't bitch about his video games, he doesn't bitch about my reading or filling all my weekends with outings. I do love him, I get frustrated sometimes and I talk about it and he listens.

I have noticed that he and my kids think I am angry a lot more than I feel I am. I need to learn to change my tone and expressions. I don't want to be seen as the angry woman, wife, mother, etc.

I feel fat. I mean I have only gained 2 lbs. in the first trimester. I am on week 14. My belly is big, my pants don't fit, but my tummy isn't rounded out yet, so I just feel unattractive and fat....blah.

Ok, enough of my bitching around. That was just a quick account of some of Aug. Oh and our parents know now, his mom is excited :)

C.W.