Feeling Undesirable

I have been here before. This is my 3rd pregnancy. I know I get hormonal and I have dealth with post partum depression in the past. I don't ever think I felt the ways I feel now though. I was married and felt stable and though I may have been stress(I know I was stressed) I didn't feel so uncertain.

I know I am nervous about my commitment to Chris, I have stated that before. I feel committed and I feel he could walk at anytime. It makes me crazy thinking about it. I want to give in and do it together, but a voice in my head tells me not to be to sure. I set up plans with him and then try to have back up plans in my head just incase and it sucks!

Nothing fits right and I don't have money to buy new clothes, nor do I really want to right now. I am looking for a new job and I feel unhirable, even though I am a great employee and have many wonderful skills. I just feel the stereotype when people look at me, I know I am paranoid about it, but I feel it. People see my belly and no ring on my finger....the typical, welfare mom. I go to a job interview, they see my resume and then my tummy....they don't want to hire someone who is going to go on maternity leave in 6 months. I am a big girl and I know people look at my tummy and just think I am fat. These thoughts crush me.

Also, my cute panties don't fit. I get headaches and feel nauseous more than I would like. I am tired. I feel like I am not doing my "wifely" duties in the bedroom, even though I am not his wife. I want to keep him happy, because I constantly worry about not being enough and having another person I love walk away. Also, my usually high as a kite libido is on the low slope. It takes awhile to kick in. I mean I have the desire, but it takes a long time for my body to catch up with my mind. My parts aren't working like normal and it is frustrating. I need alot more warm up time, to relax and get into it and then I need lots more emotional connection as well. I feel like my needs are a burden. Maybe he doesn't want to initiate anything because he realizes he could get himself of in 1/16 of the time it is going to take to get me involved. I feel so undesirable.

I love when he rubs my back, or my hair. But overall, I just feel like a burden in everyway....financially, emotionally, personally. I don't know what to do to change the way I feel or what I need to get out of this slump. I just keep keepin on to the best of my ability. I cry when it gets to be too much and keep going.

C.W.