The Double Edged Sword of being a Switch...

I had a great weekend overall. I went skinny dipping for the 3rd time with friends on Friday night. The moon was full, there was lightning to the south of the lake and the fog moved in over the water. I felt like a siren and free. I love feeling free.

Saturday I went to a Lifestyle munch in Watertown. I love getting together with my friends and laughing. We BBQ'd. I ended up skinny dipping in the middle of the afternoon :) Ren tied up a few subs in harnesses and we had our version of sub olympics...fetch, tug o war....it was fun! We had a great turn out and when we settled inside for the evening, there were many scenes that took place.

I had been sexually charged all week in the aftermath of last weekend. I was in sub mode and in anticipation of my Man arriving. I was given the instructions that I could be Dom but only play with friends he knows, however our goofing off is fair game. I chose not to but on my Dom panties because I didn't want to be in that mind set when he arrived. When he arrived he was tired and not as receptive as usual. :( The a Dom friend told him I had been smoking, so I was publicly punished just a bit. I have never been punished before, maybe a little bit in private, but never in front of people. I was almost crushed.

When he had arrived, I was vibrating with sexual energy. His every touch made me light headed. I couldn't wait to scene, because sub space would have been eminant. I was thrown by the punishment, but the worst was when he decided there were just to many people for him to feel comfortable scening. I know he is new and a bit nervous and I can't blame him. My sub side was now vibrating with hurt, anger, sexuality.....I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I didn't want to be the only sub who didn't get played with. I didn't want to be a disappointment either, or make us look bad. It sucks having been Dom and knowing that everything my sub side wanted and needed to do, was technically inappropriate for someone of experience. I wanted to cry, throw a temper tantrum, pout. But instread, I smiled, I made sure we left in grace, we left in the highest spirits I could muster so no one would wonder.

I was so jealous of the new subs, watching them be flogged, wanting my first scene. I have never been so sad about something submissively. I felt unworthy, like I had done something wrong, like I had earned it and it hurt so bad. I never thought I would think that way, but the worst was being able to see it from a Dom point of view and knowing that I would hate myself more if I reacted in the ways that my feelings were telling me. I am glad I did what I did as when we talked the next day, we were both able to say our piece and feel good about our relationship and what we want.

Sunday we spent at the lake, listening to the waves crash on the rocks. I read and we talked alot. It was so romantic and we watched the sun set before leaving. He does take care of me and he does meet my needs, this one will just take a little more time, but he will do it because he hasn't lied to me yet :)

C. Wilde