I am no angel, but my heart has been put on dry ice and then smashed so that the tiny shards flew in every direction and melt slowly leaving only small puddles of blood for random passers by to see. No one sees the whole picture, I am not even sure if I do. I don't think using someone's own blood and tears for lube is acceptable, no matter how sadistically fun in may sound. I am broken, I was shattered, I have been working to put these little pieces back together.
I have given him chance after chance and nothing changes. I mean I have changed, I am more assertive and he hates it. He may not be cheating anymore, but I can't just trust him right off the bat and he doesn't want to work at it. Well I don't ever want to feel like this again. He has stalled and stalled on the divorce and I finally put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. I set up the court date and made him aware. Now, once again, he is reading his Bible and wants me back. I would love to believe it, but I feel it is just another manipulation on his part because he knows how I feel about divorce after finding God in my life and wanting to not make the same mistakes of my past. (ie: divorce)
I really gave him my all, the good, the bad and the ugly and lost myself in the process. Yes I have issues, I have baggage, when someone gets close....even when I really want it or like it, I still push them away because I don't want to be vulnerable or hurt....I know he had it rough with me at times, but it wasn't intentional, I didn't try to make him feel like shit, I didn't cheat while we were married and in the same home, I didn't make him believe he was the problem for our failure. I took responsibility and just needed some understanding.
WTF?! I can't even blog, I am just so pissed off. I don't know if there is enough lube in the world to make this smooth. Only time will tell.
C. Wilde
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