The Ties That Bind (C. Wilde)

I read a BDSM book once with this same title. It was good, like most BDSM books I have read. Today, like other days I question the ties that bind us; family, friends, beliefs, jobs....are we bound by choice, submitting to the world around us? I feel like I struggle against my tethers so often, am I struggling for a purpose or just to struggle? Am I making life harder on myself because of these behaviors or am I being more true to myself in fighting the monotonous and closed minded world around me?

What do I allow to bind me down personally? To answer that I would have to say that I am my own worst enemy and my inability to let go of certain hurts truly bind me down and don't allow me to move on healthy with others at times. I am bound by my own high expectations of myself and where my life "should" be by now. I am bound by fear, especially a fear of failure, a fear of disappointing others, a fear of not being loved. I am bound by a certain amount of co-dependence, low self esteem and self mind mutilation.

I break out on my own as often as possible, I try to break my chains and just be me without reservations or apologies. I guess that is what makes this blog therapeutic, I can just write out how I feel and not care who sees it or what they think of me. I have had paper journals like this for years and I am sick of the "bind" that never allows anyone to really know me, because of my fears I have hidden alot.

I am a normal girl, I want a fairly normal relationship....romance, BDSM, common interests, laughter....I have a mind of chaos. I know I need someone who is laid back and more like a rock. I need someone who is so organized that they enjoy my adventurous little quips and help me to enjoy stability a bit. I have a very perverted and sadistic mind at times. I am open minded, spiritual, but non judging. I don't want to struggle at being me anymore and I am working a bit at a time, day by day. I don't always make the right decisions in other people's minds, but in hind sight I can see things....but in the end the choices are mine. I am sorry for hurting others along the way, I hope that I can be forgiven and that it can be seen that it was not intentional or a personal attack.

I only want to be bound by my own free will to be bound. I want to bound with love and laughter, adventure and joy!

Thank you for understanding!

C. Wilde