As I was walking down the slippery sidewalks to class today, I began to think of sexual identity. I have spent a lot of time reading about gay culture, and experiencing men first hand through sex of various types. People seem to think that being gay isn't that large part of who you are, it's just another part. I myself have been known to say something like this before. However, on my way here I realize that it isn't just a part of me. It is me. Is it all of me? No, but pieces make up the whole as they say.
Think about this for a second, since you've been born, you've seen male and females in relationships. If you're lucky, you were born post-Ellen which means you might have begun to see more open homosexuals in the media. If not, it was something that happened much later for you. You define yourself by the relationships you see, but if you don't see healthy relationships that you could be apart of you use your imagination. Of course, this doesn't help when you actually have the chance to have those relationships. You try to put a relationship between two men or two women in the same box as a man and a woman and you're already off on the wrong foot. They're different, because the dynamics have to be different. You've seen the man/woman relationships all throughout your life. Hell, your parents, grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, and maybe siblings are all apart of that too. You see their relationships...you want the same.
Sex itself is the easy part. 1 Interested Body+1 Interested Body=1 Interesting night. Of course, this is not the only equation for sex. There's various equations with various results. However, this is something that I can do easily. It's when you begin to thrust in emotions and potential partners that things become a problem, and that is what these 40 days are about.
I titled this "40 nights...The Days Don't Matter" mostly because you don't have a one day stand. You don't generally meet up in a seedy hotel in the middle of the day to meet up with a potential sexual partner. The days are easy. You have work or school to keep you company, but the nights are cold and lonely. I don't know whether or not things are going to get easier as the month and a half progresses, but I can hope that I will find something inside myself to keep me stable.
This needs to work for me. I've done weeks and months before without sex. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood, but inevitably I would fall back into the pattern of random encounters. I would meet some interesting people, or I would have a bad experience and blame myself for it. Now, I am busy doing a billion things on campus, and I'm hoping to meet someone who legitimately cares about my intelligence, or my interests, and perhaps even cartoons.
Will that happen?
I hope so. I posted a comment to my roommate on our board before beginning a massive text message about how she needs to treat herself better than she has. At the end, she told me I was a hopeless romantic. And I explained that I have never really been hopeless. Hope is all one has to get them through the day. I am a hopeful romantic if anything.
I will continue to post here. If I fail, I'll let you guys know. Regardless of passing or failing, something interesting and new will come of this as it always does. Time takes care of everything, which leads me to wonder what it being take care of, and what it will be leaving behind.
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