I honestly do believe that first impressions stand as the tipping point of any relationship. The first impressions stand solely on how you act and how you look. Recently, I've begun to realize that my first impressions generally suck. My words burst out of my mouth like a billion rocket ships, and the few things I should not say are what erupts. This is what I would calling my "opening statements" in any sort of relationship. I look fine, even if my hair is receding creating a peak in the front and two large valleys at the top of my newly enlarged forehead. I can deal with that, time will not make it go away by acceptance.
Stylistically, my clothes look fairly average for the crowd I am a part. I wear name brand things that fit me well. I wear clothes that accentuate my features that I want to accentuate. At times, I wear some things that make me appear a bit frumpy: the shirts are too big, the jeans are a bit too long, and perhaps the jacket doesn't work with the outfit. Those times, I simply try to put on the best demeanor I can to accentuate the mental features I do have.
As I've stated in other entries, problems formed because of my mass drinking. This first impressions turned into a huge blow out. I burned the bridge. No. I planted dynamite on the bridge, land mines on the land both sides around it, and called in an air raid of the current situation. Some people no longer care to even acknowledge my existence do this point, but I've kind of begun to realize that time will either take care of that, or it won't. People will see the much more intellectual side of me, or I'm going to be in the same place I'm at now.
My friends don't judge me. They have a good amount of criticism about me and my choices of lifestyle. (Disclaimer: This isn't actually referencing me being gay, so much as me being without a lack of filter, or as sexually active as I am). They still treat me with respect. I can still sit with them someplace and chat about our lives while drinking mochas on a Sunday afternoon. They just think I deserve better, and should treat myself better than I have been.
I want to be Professional. I want to be an Academic. I want to be someone who knows SOMETHING that other people want to know about. You never know who is going to be looking at you, and if that is my mantra I should take better care of myself. Physically, I am fine. I do not scare people away by my looks. Some people don't want to date me because of my looks, but that's not what I'm talking about here. Mentally, I tend to be a little bit overbearing at times. I treat everyone like they are an old friend as soon as I meet them. I will talk about my childhood to the guy I last dated. It's all part of a story I can tell.
Maybe I go about it the wrong way. Perhaps I should stand back and watch the world work for a little while longer, but I do not see that happening. I was silent in many ways throughout High School. I took on the personality of those around me and let them push me around. I couldn't be open about my sexual exploits, nor was I always the most...knowledgable about such things. I graduated and began to open up. I joined the Navy and found myself trapped again. I came back, and exploded verbally about everything hiding nothing. I need to find myself a happy medium for where I am open mentally but not in a 'creepy or weird' fashion as some of my friends have been known to tell me.
It will all come with time as things do. I will continue to put on an dark brown Abercrombie shirt, with a gray shirt from the Buckle over it, while throwing on a pair of gray Jockey boxer-briefs, and wearing a pair of dark-blue, jeans from PacSun. I'll tie my Doc Martins, and go about my business of the day hoping to control myself a little better than I have in the past. Control dictates professionalism, but it doesn't mean I still can't be me.
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